Girls

There are still many things in this world that I don’t understand. However most endeavours to work things out wield a positive outcome; there are things that just remain out of reach.

I understand that I will never make a famous discovery, or even work out what bigmac’s are made of, and I am okay with that. I also know that I will never fully understand girls either. Yes understanding the female mind will remain as elusive to me as big foot. You might get a glimpse of it, but you can never be quite sure of what you have just seen.

One thing that I have learnt over the many years is this. No matter how hard you try, and how much you research, girls are just different creatures and that perhaps we are not meant to understand them, and that is why we keep chasing. Slowly extracting small bits of information until one day it all becomes clear.

But until then I have devised a new plan of attack. Robots! Sure you run the risk of it turning on you, it may even try to take over the world with your home computer and ADSL line. But that is a small price to pay for the knowledge that you can always take it to your local computer shop and have it reprogrammed.

Speed Humps

Since the creation of the wheel we have used it to propel ourselves faster and faster whenever we can. Then we realised it would work better if it was round instead of square and it’s been full steam ahead ever since. Then many years’ later health and safety was invented and, put a stop to all the fun.

I remember the days when you could blast down any back street at 100 km/h the wind in your hair and the feeling inside you that you were making incredible time, even if you had nowhere in particular to be. Then something happened and for some reason kids got bat shit stupid and stopped watching out for cars on the road and, so the speed hump was born.

I came to love these things when I was in my late teens and early 20’s because they became the most abundant form of bike and skate ramps you would ever find. It was not till I got a car that I learnt I in fact hated speed humps and will go to great lengths to avoid them.

Of all the types of speed humps in the world, from the standard curved ones, to the ones that almost feel like you are driving up the side of a hill. My favourites are the ones that are not really there at all. They look like regular speed humps from a far but once you drive over them; well it’s really just like driving over a small stone, if that.

Next time you are driving to your local milk bar that resides in some suburban back street remember this. Slowdown to 40, whipe off 5, and go slow over the speed humps that are located within 20 feet of each other. You know what. Fuck it. Just walk.

Traffic Lights

I have a riddle for you. What is orange, green and red but never at the same time? You can spend a lot of time looking at it in the hope that it changes to a colour you like the best, and can either make you speed up or, come to a standstill. Since the title of this blog is called traffic lights then I guess it make this riddle totally redundant. FML

Since I have been driving around a lot lately, I’ve had many encounters with these 3 toned sticks of death. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel like traffic lights are always out to get me and make me late for something. I have seen these things turn green and then no more than 5 seconds later just as I am rolling up to it, it turns red.

People have some very strange superstations and myths when it comes to traffic lights as well. Like, if you flash your high beam and blast the horn 3 times while rubbing your head in a clockwise rotation the lights will turn green. But telling these people that you don’t think that actually works and, they will always back it up by telling you they learnt this trick from a cab or truck driver.

At the end of the day I guess they keep us safe on the roads and that’s a good thing. If we did not have them life on the roads would be far more complicated than they already are. So remember, if you are at a set of lights and you catch eyes with the person in the next car, you have to race the. Hey I don’t make the rules.

Vampires

Nosferatu, Dakhanavar, Dracula. Just three names that when uttered would strike fear into even the bravest of man’s hearts. With that said the vampires of late have taken quite a wussy turn. Books like Twilight and shows like True Blood have turned vampires into sensitive new age guys.

Not that long ago vampires where feared creatures, the reason you would not leave your house at night. And when you did you would be always looking over your shoulder and almost mess your pants if a bat flew overhead. But it seems the only thing you have to fear these days is if one of them is going to break up with you via text message.

When it comes to a humans roll in a vampire’s life, we are nothing but food to it. A midnight snack if you will. When I was a young kid sitting around the dinner table I was told not to play with my food. Seems like modern day vampires were not taught this simple bit of table manners. I have never fallen in love with the things on my plate nor have I tried to befriend it. If I ever do, you have my permission to commit me to the loony bin.

We must keep this fear of vampires alive. To do this I urge people to follow Stephen Colbert and his “March to keep fear alive” 30/10/2010 in Washington DC, and rid these damn vampire bastards form stealing our girlfriends and go back to just killing time instead.

The Past

With great force we can out run the earth’s gravitational pull. But no matter how hard we try we can never out run our past. It is always lurking around some cornor waiting to show a prospective employer that picture of you trying to seduce a sheep.

Have you ever just been sitting around the house and then all of a sudden you will get a flash back to something really stupid or embarrassing you have done? My beef with that is whys it always something you regret. Just once I would like it to be something good that I have done, or a time that I was the hero that saved the day.

I don’t know about you but, I am forever running into people that I have not seen in a long time. Every time this happens the same thing is said. “Well this is a blast form the past.” This normally gives me enough time to work out who the hell they are, and if I ever liked them or not.

The things that we do in the past are learning tools for things that we face in the future. I really just wish people would stop posting the past on my Facebook wall.

Why it sucks to be a kid today

You might be looking at the title and thinking, ‘this guy is crazy, it would be awesome growing up in this day and age, with all this wonderful new technology and stuff.’ And you would be right. Kids today are blessed with the modern day ease that we did not have growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. But there is one thing they can’t do that we did… Eat food.

Food allergy rates in children are at epidemic proportions. 15,000 Australian children born this year would develop a potentially fatal food allergy before they reached school age. I know this for a fact, I looked it up.

I believe I know why this is as well. It’s due to this germaphobic world we live in. “No Billy you can’ go and play outside there is dirty out there. Stay inside and play Nintendo. But make sure you sterilize the controller first.”

So yes, kids today have the internet and next generation video games. But live in a constant state of fear in case someone opens a packet of peanuts around them. The next time you are on a plane and the cabin crew announce “We have a very special guest flying with us today, so we will not be serving any snacks.” That’s when you reach into your overhead bag and pull out your emergency bag of peanuts to go alone with your beer. Oh and don’t worry about the kid. They carry those pens with them anyway to stop their wind pipes from closing up. 

Art Departments

No matter what educational institute you go to or visit one thing remains constant. Art departments are creepy! I have had the pleasure of visiting many different universities in my travels, and never once have they been bright and cheery. To show you that I am not full of myself I would like to share with you some stories of creepy places I have been to.

It was an afternoon, and I had a long stretch between classes, so I decided to take a wonder around the campus to see what kind of things I could find and take advantage of. That is when I stumbled on to this little building that could only be called antique at best. And upon further investigation turns out I was right. I immediately felt as if I was in some kind of old horror movie and, that at any second something was going to jump out and drag me off somewhere, to do unspeakable things to me. Now let me explain something. Everything and I mean everything was made from wood. The wall dividers, the staircase, everything! And old run down wood as well. Not to mention I was the only one in the building at the time. I don’t even want to think at this point in time why it was empty.

I have seen many more creepy looking art departments as well. Once when I went out to eat with some friends at this student restaurant at a TAFE, again I was the only one in it. My old high school and primary schools art departments where quite creepy as well when I think about it. So all this leads me to two conclusions. One, that I should stop hanging around these kinds of places by myself. And two that creativity must come stem from large amounts of fear.

Answering Machines

Phone technology has improved in leaps and bounds over the years. To the point that we can now take a phone with us anywhere we go in the world, even underwater. But there is one piece of technology that still continues to frustrate and annoy me. Yes that’s right it’s the Answering Machine.

I am sure they still have some usefulness for people that actually still use it, just like a fax machine. Now I am not talking about voice mail that is something else altogether. I am talking about those huge clunky things that people still have attached to their home phone. The poor thing looks like it is on dialysis. The reason mobile phones where invented is so if someone is not home you can still get in contact with them.

While on the topic of voice mail, like answering machines I never know what to say when I come across one. I normally hang up, script what I want to say and then call back. And what I normally just say is, “Hi, it’s me, call me back.”(And a voice mail messages should be on longer than that) Unless I am calling in sick for work, then it’s a whole production, I am sure I was nominated for an Academy award for my last performance.

If I can give you one shred of advice when it comes to leaving me a voice mail message, it would be. I don’t listen to them. So hang up and send me a text message. 

Politically Correct

People are way too sensitive these days. It is at the point now that you have to watch every word that comes out of your mouth, for fear of someone saying “That is offensive” or “I take offence to that” The amount of things you are allowed to say is dwindling down to nothing. Soon it will be at a point where all forms of communication, be it verbal or physical are eradicated, because someone took offence to it, and someone else took offence to the alternative.

Political correctness is killing people. Think about it. Back in my school day, if you where fat you got teased about it, till you stopped being lazy and ate right and slimed down. It was motivation. Kids today are fatter than ever before, and that’s because they are no longer fat but, instead “Enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance”. This PC world we live in is allowing them to be fat. Even the humble mail man/woman is a victim of this (Or to be more PC “survivor”) they have now become a “person person” And you are no longer Mr, Ms or Mrs you are now “Pn”. Even criminals get political correct terms now, because they are no longer shoplifters but, “non-traditional shoppers” The time and energy that must go into coming up with these natural terms well, it’s no wonder cancer has still not be cured.  

I don’t like this new politicly correct world we are living in, and it’s getting worse every day. Sure some things are not to be said and, are clearly offensive, but something have just become too much. So next time you are around someone that is being politically correct, do what I do and say “Excuse me, but you’re politically correct terms are offensive to me” and watch them shit themselves.

Sleepovers

No matter how old you get one thing you will always do is, have sleepovers. The only thing that changes as you get older is the meaning of them. I would also like to point out that this is all form a boy’s point of view.

When you are a kid, sleep overs are your night out. You spend the week planning all the activities that you will do, all the games you will play, and all the snacks that you can sneak in. The only thing that was worth some concern was dinner, because we all know how fussy eight year olds are when it comes to eating.

In your teens a sleepover meant that, you were not where you were meant to be. Telling your parents that you are going to sleep at Sally’s house (I use girl’s names, because I figure girls do this more than boys) and then go to a party or try your luck at getting into a night club.

When you are in your 20’s then a sleepover is quite unplanned, not like the other two stages of life, and simply means that you are too drunk to drunk to drive home. Or you have passed out and no one can move you.

Then you have the sleepover that you do at your boyfriends or girlfriends place… But that is for some fun of a whole different kind. 

You are just not funny, move on

Let me start of by saying, that I feel this might turn out to be more of a rant than anything else. So feel free to go back to your game of bejewelled or Farmville, and thanks for getting this far. I still get my page view, and that’s all that really matters.

“Everyone is a comedian” so the saying goes. But I really wish this saying would just somehow disappear. Because it is doing more harm than good. It’s telling people that you can be funny no matter what and, that is just not true, some people are just not funny. Take accountants for example, when you decided to become one you have made the decision that you can never tell another funny joke, ever again. Not to mention give up 5% of your personality.

But you might still be thinking. ‘No he is wrong; I get a laugh at parties when I jump around and put things on my head’ But you see there is a difference between acting like a knob to get a laugh, and actually using you’re intellect.

Copying and pasting a funny quote on Facebook or Twitter and calming it as your own does not make you funny, just like putting on platform shoes does not really make you 6 foot tall. All it does is make you that person with the really bad comb over desperately trying to give you the impression they are not bald.

But until they pass a law that allows us to legally shoot in the foot anyone that thinks they are funny but are clearly not. Then I guess we are going to have to keep pretending to laugh when ever our boss tells us a lame joke. But hey, I hear even a fake laugh can still make us lose weight.

Procrastination

It is quite safe to say that I am a procrastinator. I will put things off until the last minute and then say something like, “I work better under pressure” to justify it. Right now I am even procrastinating writing this blog.

To give you an example of just how much of a procrastinator I am. When I was in high school, year 12 I think it was. We were taken to a sort of study camp for the first week so that we could learn some study and time management skills for the year ahead. They then proceeded to give us a procrastination test, to see how much of a procrastinator we were. I gave mine to my friend what was sitting next to me to do.  

I can never write more than a sentence without jumping on youtube or facebook, or just taking a walk around the house, and looking in the fridge for the 1000th time today. I think I have played just about every single facebook game there is just to avoid doing actual work. That reminds me. If any of my teachers are reading this... I am going to need an extension on that work.  

Parking Spaces

They are the difference between a good day out, and the perfect day out. If we get one that is quite close or in fact right out front of the place we need to be then that is all we think about. You could be surrounded by the most exquisite food and wine, or the play boy bunnies. But in the back of your mind you will still be thinking about how lucky it was to find a parking spot so close.

Most people would drive around for hours trying to find that perfect parking space. But just what is it? Well allow me to explain. The perfect parking space is a delicate balance between walking distance from the car, and not having to pay to park in that spot. And once you find it, you insert a mental bookmark of where it is for easy access the next time you in that area again.

In my travels I have found a new source of free parking that is as close the shopping centres as disabled parking spots. They are called “Parents with prams spots” Now the beauty is, you don’t need a permit to park in these spots so it’s not illegal; it’s just a bit immoral. But if you can deal with that, then these parking spots are so close that they might as well be drive thru.  

Baby on board

I have never quite understood those baby on board things people put on car windows. What are they actually for? Is it to excuse the horrible driving the people that have these signs do? Because lets me tell you something, if you are driving like you own the road just because you have a baby in the car, then that is not going to stop me from letting you know what I think of you’re driving.

I once saw a car with not only a baby on board sign but also a child on board as well. That got me thinking, is it necessary now to advertise what stage of development you’re passengers are in? And are there more of these sing? Like, teenager on board or mid 20’s on board or even senior citizen on board. 

It has been my experience that, anyone displaying a baby on board should be avoided at all coasts. Because chances are they have a car load of screaming kids, and are quite willing to do anything to end it all, that might just mean taking you out with them. 

No matter what sign you have displayed on your car, I will still shake my fist and yell at you if you pull out in front of me, or cut me off. I will still play my offensive rap music as loud as I like while driving next to you with my roof off and windows down. So get used to it. 

Facebook as a mass storage device

So it is that time of year again where Facebook gets flooded with holiday photos from Europe. Hundreds a day chock your news feed no matter if you want them to or not. Yes we all know you are overseas, but your photos are overtaking my Farmville notifications, how will I know what virtual crops my friends have just planted.

The thing I fine the most intriguing is that most of the pictures are up loaded while the person is still overseas. So I asked a few people, and it turns out that my theory was correct; these people are uploading the pictures to Facebook and then whipping the camera memory clean so to take more photos, but it does not end at this. Some people store all there pictures on Facebook with no other backups. Am I the only one shocked by this? Most people still won’t shop on line because they don’t trust it with your credit card number, but your priceless memories are fine?

If you think storing your images on the internet is safer then storing them on your computer then you are wrong, the internet is just as volatile as a computer’s hard drive if not more so. And that expensive camera you paid $500 to $1000 for, that takes super high quality pictures, well Facebook is going to shrink them down till they look like you took them on your camera phone.

Here is a tip for all you people about to take a trip overseas. Spend a little less money on the camera, so that you can buy some extra memory cards instead of using Facebook to store them. Because remember Facebook is not going to be around forever.

Thank You

It has been a slow day, and with a looming cold I have not really felt that creative today. So I thought I would take this opportunity to go in a slightly different direction today.

I would like to thank everyone that reads my blogs. Thank you to the people that follow it on blogger you people are awesome and your blogs keep me entertained and inspired. Thank you to the people that follow the facebook page as well, getting my weekly statistics and seeing the numbers going up and down, well it’s a rollercoaster ride that I never want to get off.

I am truly humbled that people take the time out to read what I write. I’m always lost for words when anyone tells me they read it, or congratulates me on it. The most I can ever get out is a muffled “Thank you” That is why I am taking this opportunity to give my readers the praise they deserve. Even now I am not doing it justice.

So if you have ever, read, left a comment, clicked and add or even thought about my blog then this message is for you. “No blogger could do anything without the reader, you are the reason we go on doing what we do” Thank you.

If I ruled the world

Why do villains always want to rule the world for? Don’t they understand how much more work and responsibilities they would be taking on? If they though taking over the world was hard, image the surprise when they have to run the world. Thousands of people now have trouble doing it. So when the shit hits the fan I am not sure just one person could cut it.

If for some reason I was given the keys to the world. (Mind you, I would have to be given them because I am far too lazy to take then by force) I would be a fair and just ruler. That is until boredom sets in, then I would pass a law that everyone must wear a chicken costume once a week, and join up into one massive conga line.

As for the rest of the world’s operations. I will hire people to take care of the day to day stuff for me, and have one person in charge of a country, and many other people helping that one person out as well. Wait a dam second that sounds a lot like how the world in run right now. Does that mean I actually am ruler or the world? Well in that case. Chicken Suites everybody!!!  

GPS

I was on my way to my cousins 21^st on the weekend, now I kind of knew where the place was he was having it at, but just to be on the safe side I thought I would try out the GPS system on my new Nokia phone. I got to where I needed to be, but not before my detour to the moon first.

I love my GPS I would be lost without it, literally. Once I went to my mail box and got lost... I was checking my email. You start to wonder how you ever did without it. Long gone are the days of pulling out the road maps and plotting the course. Whenever I see someone still using this primitive method I think to myself. Wow you on the hunt for buried treasure or something?

I more often than not like to yell at my GPS for taking what feels like a longer way around. But just as I am about to roll down my window and chuck it off the freeway I realise that, it kind of knows where it is going, I don’t. So I should probably cut it some slack, because without it who knows where I might end up. Lost in the desert like Bugs Bunny, thinking I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

Public Transport

You would think that this blog would be easy to write. Considering everyone thinks the public transport system is a joke anyway. But that is simply not true. There are still heaps of jokes to be made about public transport, and I will start with two. Connex and Metro Trains. See pure comedy.

I have been catching the train every day for more years then I can remember now, and to tell you the truth. The trains have never really let me down. Sure there have been a few times that a train has been delayed because someone has stepped out in front of it. But once they scrapped the poor bugger off the tracks and hosed it down the train was right back on track. So I do not share the same anger and frustration others seem to about it.

People are so quick to complain as well the moment something goes wrong. Okay it might go wrong sometimes, but for the rest of the times, does it not offer you a cheap and quick way of getting around? And it’s not like you have to drive the thing for yourself, just sit back and enjoy the ride already.

I did not mean for this blog to sound like a shameless endorsement for Metro Trains. I just felt like someone needs to stick up for them. After all I have had no problems with them over the years, and if they feel like rewarding my loyalty and support. I could use a yearly zone 1+2 ticket. 

The Circus

The circus has come to town, and has set up tent not far from where I live. So I have decided to move out until they go away, and I am now currently looking for a new place to live for a while. It is not because I might be able to hear the noises or the smells of the animals; I just really don’t want to be that close to clowns.

Every kid had dreams of running away to join the circus. I wonder if this is standard recruiting policy, waiting for kids to run away from home till they can get a new performer. I would love to see the recruitment ads for the circus. I would image they look something like this. “We want you…To run away from home and join the circus; you get to sleep with a lion.”

Apart from the creepy clowns I don’t mind the circus. What I don’t like however are these new fancy circuses. You know the ones with no animals in them. Who wants to see that? After all the only reason people go to the circus in the first place is for the animal cruelty. If I wanted to see a woman in tight clothing spin around on a poll I would just go to a strip club and not tip very well.

Dreams

Dreams are a funny thing, in that they are only interesting and funny to the person having them. If some say “Hey want to hear about a dream I had the other night” that is an indication that you are about to experience the most boring and incoherent 10 minutes of your life. 

Acquiring to the wealth of all knowledge, I.E Wikipedia, a dream is the following. “A dream is a succession of images, sounds or emotions with no aperient order, which the mind experiences during sleep.” So in other words, a dream is your subconscious mind relieving itself. No wonder you feel like crap when you wake up.   

Then you have the best dreams of them all, sex dreams. But when it involves someone you know, someone you are close to, it can get rather awkward. Do you tell them that you had one, or do you just keep silent? And think to yourself every time you see them “Yeah, me and you, we totally did it”

You can also learn how to remember your dreams more effectively and have a better recollection of them. It is cheaper than a movie and, you are killing two birds with one stone, figuratively of course, unless that is part of the dream you are having

Voices

I have come to realise that some people have better voices then others. And the range of different kinds of voices varies dramatically. You have the high pitched screechy voices that make you just want to rip out your own ear drums. Then you have the people that don’t so much speak English, as opposed to just chewing on it and spiting it out.

And then there’s those people with sexy... sultry and seductive voices. Add that to a career in telemarketing or community help lines, and all of a sudden I don’t want to hang up on them. If someone with a sexy voice was trying to sell me something and said something along the lines of “Hi, are you happy with the service you are getting from you current telephone provider?” I would have about six phone lines in my house right now, and keep calling back three times a week for “tech support”

I guess calling a help line or tech support and talking to someone with a sexy voice is cheaper than paying for phone sex. Plus it avoids that awkward conversation with your partner when they go through the phone bill. But is spending the entire day ringing and hanging up until you get someone with a sexy voice really worth the $6.95 a minute you are trying to save??

Winter

There is something magical about the winter. The way you shiver uncontrollably when you get out of the shower in the morning, the frost on your cars window what makes it almost impossible to see out of. And the way the sharp winter winds seem to cut right through your clothing and get right down to your bones. Wait a second that does not sound magical at all. In fact it sounds like a mild form of torture.

The only good things to come out of winter is sleeping in on the weekend in your nice warm bed, and being able to ware hoodies and not look like a mugger, or a rapist. But even that is debatable.

Is winter even that important to have? I mean its winter in the North and South Pole all year round, so that should keep the polar bears and penguins happy. As for the rest of us, we are tropical animals and enjoy the sun and a little warmth every now and then. So until I see a polar bear walking the street, I say make it warm forever.

But with all this said, I am sure that come summer time I will be writing a blog about how much the heat is pissing me off as well. After all I am only human. And I think I just saw a polar bear walking out of a Starbucks.

Getting up

We all know the feeling. You are in the middle of the best sleep you have had in ages, and the dream you’re having is just about to reach a climax when. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! You’re alarm goes off. Time to start a new day! In another five minutes *SNOOZ BUTTON*

I find waking up in the morning is like ripping off a band aid, its best to do it in one quick swift action before you have time to think about it. Or otherwise I will lie in bed and try to convince myself that there is actually no reason to get up today, and most of the times, I succeed.

It’s not to say that I don’t like the mornings, I am most defiantly a morning person, and I think the hours between 7am and 12pm are the best parts of the day. I just wish sometimes that they could be moved to later on in the day.

So if we ever have an early morning appointment or meeting and I miss it. Well you now know it’s nothing personal. And I have just talked myself into staying in bed, and let’s make the next meeting at a more reasonable time.

Okay Twilight, that’s enough

It has come to my attention that this Twilight crazy is not just a passing one, and is going to be sticking around for a while longer. Vampires that fall in love with humans instead of using them as food, yeah, I can kind of see the attraction, who would not love to have a vampire as a friend; you would never get picked on again, well at least not at night.

But now this Twilight obsession has gone way to far, allow me to explain. Each year Forbes magazine releases the “Forbes fictional 15” it is a list of the wealthiest 15 fictional characters. Now for the last 2 years Scrooge McDuck has held his rightful place at the top of this list, but not this year. He has been knocked down to the number 2 spot, taken over by Carlisle Cullen. I refuse to believe this is correct, and that its Forbes way of jumping on the bandwagon trying to get more 13 year old girls to read the Magazine.

I refuse to live in a world that does not acknowledge Scrooge McDuck as the richest fictional character. For god sakes he swims in a vault of money and jewels the size of the empire state building, while all the Cullen’s drive around in Volvo’s. 

Animals

It is said that you should never smile at a crocodile, but why not? That could be the reason they are so pissed off, because everyone is being such a jerk to them all the time.

Being a city boy the closest I have ever come to seeing a wild animal is when my cat has a territorial fight with a rival neighbourhood cat. And I may or, may not have been chased by a kangaroo, depending on who tells the story.

Let’s talk about the food chain for a second; it is total human arrogance that puts us on top of it, that is all. Sure we have guns and all sorts of cool weapons like that. But if you put me in a cage match against a lion using only my bare hands, then I am afraid that I am not going to live up to my status in the food chain.

But I guess it is the fact that humans can buy animals and put them in cages, and do to them whatever you like that sets us apart. And that itself gets me thinking. How rich does a person have to be before they can own and entire species of animal. What amount of money does it take till you can say “Yes, I own ants, no not just 1 or 2 but the whole bloody lot of them” Perhaps then you could enjoy a picnic in peace. 

Movies

Is it just me, or does it feel like there have been no original ideas for a movie since Donnie Darko? They all seem to be remakes of old movies (done poorly) and books and comic books. But hell it’s all good entertainment right? And if you go and see them on a Tuesday then it does not hurt as much if the movie stinks.

Now we all know that there are certain movies that guys should not watch, and these are commonly referred to as “Chick Flicks” But you know what? Some of them are quite good. I like a movie with good dialog and in some cases it speaks louder than good special effects; I know that’s saying a lot but it’s true. What is the point of good special effects without good dialog to go along with it? For an example of this, just watch the movie with the big blue people in it. After all that movie is creepy enough as it is, connecting a part of your body to an animal and call it “bonding” I call it wrong and illegal, but what do I know.

I really hope to see some good movies coming out soon, fresh and original ones, and if that is too much to ask for, can the remakes at least live up to the originals. And can book adaptations please follow the book more closely. But before I go I have a message for the guys. Watch the chick flicks, it might even get you laid.

ATM's

I was out shopping today and came across this strange looking poker machine, so I put my card in and I won, it even asked me how much I would like to win, so I did it again and just kept on winning. I thought this was awesome I am going to have all this money to go shopping with. That’s when I realised I have been fooled again by another odd looking ATM.

I understand the lure of the ATM, a hole in the wall that dispenses money on command who wouldn’t love it. But why do people have to take so DAMM LONG using the thing? What are you people trying to do, trace back your family heritage on it? Do you think if you stand there long enough it will feel sorry for you and spit out a 20 dollar note?  

The biggest culprits of ATM loitering are the elderly, they take forever and I think I know why. We all know that some elderly people do not have a lot of computer skills and I am quite sure that this is the way they make up for that, they must think they can get in some practice. Or perhaps they just sometimes confuse ATM’s with poker machines.

But I am still fed up with people taking too long at the ATM’s. So when I become prime minister my first law that I will pass is. If you take more than a minute and a half at an ATM, it will chew up your card and close the account, because if you can’t take out money any quicker than that at an ATM, then you don’t deserve to have a bank account. Just stash the money under your bed; I am sure you could get at it quicker that way.

Dating

It’s the classic tale, Boy meets girl, boy takes girl out, boy says something he shouldn’t, and girl never talks to him again. Yes the dating world is cruel and for most guys it’s quite strange and a little bit frighting at times. 

Girls have a clear picture in there head of what they look for in a guy, and instead of just telling us and make the entire process a hell of a lot smoother, they let us work it out for ourselves, and then wonder why we get it all wrong.

It’s not easy being single; trust me, all you people in relationships who think you are doing it tough, think about this, at least you only have to impress one girl. And there is a huge double standard when it comes to communication, any message that a guy sends a girl must be elaborately crafted, witty and have some kind of joke in it, but it is completely okay for a girl to reply with just a simple text message, Come on give something back.

But you know what; the dating world can be fun, figuring out all the cryptic messages and decoding the signals, kind of makes you feel like you are on a treasure hunt. So stick with it, it should all work out in the end, and if not. You can always buy a wife form overseas. 

Netball

I watch netball for much the same reason I watch woman’s beach volleyball. I like the outfits they ware. It is also good to see that netball has replaced basketball as our national ball sport that is not played on a field.

The game has always been quite a mystery to me, I don’t really understand the rule but that is not what bothers me, and it’s not the fact that I think they should get rid of the net ball dress thing and implement a volleyball style uniform. What really baffles me are the people that play it. I know I might be very unpopular by saying this, but it really does not look like it involves that much skill to play. To say you’re a professional netball player means that you are really good at holding a ball without moving.

I also want to talk about mixed netball. Parents if you're son comes to you saying  that he wants to play netball, know that you will never get grandkids out of him, and you should probably have thought twice before letting him wear that dress when he was 5.

But despite all this I will continue to watch netball, but come summer then its, good bye netball, hello Volleyball.

World Cup

Once every 4 years football teams from around the world take the best players they have and join them together to play for their country in the world cup.

For most of us it means 31 days of getting up at ungodly hours, or simply just not sleeping at all in order to just watch a match, not to mention braving the cold weather to watch Australia play on the big screen in the city. But for the teams playing in the world cup it means just one thing, faking injuries on the pitch to get a free kick, and you would be surprised at how often it works.

Whenever I am out somewhere watching a game I often spend most of the time looking around at the people around me, and watching the expression on their face whenever a goal is missed, or the referees make a bad call and think. I wonder if most of these people actually give a shit about football during non-world cup times, and how many of them have quickly skimmed over Football for dummies just so they can be a part of the world cup celebration, then forget that the game even excites once it’s all over.

So if you are planning on watching the games this world cup, then I have a tip for you to help cope with all the late nights. RECORD IT!!!!!

Pirates

Like most kids I loved pirates, sailing the seas, finding treasure, and the most appealing thing about pirates to most 5 year olds is the fact that you don’t have to take baths. I really wanted to be a pirate when I grew up, well that and a monkey according my parents, and it was a sad day when I worked out that I could be neither of them. But thankfully pirates are back, but not as we know them.

A call comes out form across the room. “Hey man can I borrow your flash drive; I just found a bunch of music on the net.” Cries the captain, “Na sorry dude I am using it to download this sweet movie” Does not have the same ring to it does it?

Today’s pirates do not sail the 7 seas, they surf the web, and instead of plundering and hiding the loot, they download video games and burn them on to DVD.

So my dreams of growing up to become a pirate might actually be more of a reality then I ever thought possible, but I think I will hold off form joining the ranks just yet. After all who wants to be a pirate that still has to bathe? 

The Internet

There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding the internet, and people like to put a positive spin on what is essentially a giant waist land. So in this blog I would like to give you my thoughts and opinions on this thing that runs our day to day life, we like to call, The Internet.

I love it when TV commercials say something like “The internet is good for the entire family, the kids can research projects on it, dad can keep up to date with the news and mum can check her email.” Now let me tell you what is really happening. Little Billy is looking at porn when mum is not watching; Dad is also looking at porn when the wife is not watching. Little Sally is arranging to meet a 43 year old man who she thinks is 16, and mum is playing Farmville and maxing out the credit cards. Now that’s what I call making good use of modern technology.

I have never known anyone to use the internet to research essays or projects; the only thing they research is porn and pirated music. I say that we quit pretending the internet is something that it’s not. It’s not the place that your kids are going to be able to do the majority research for that upcoming grade 6 project, It’s not the place that dad is going to sit down at the end of the day and catch up on current events and check tomorrows weather, and it’s not the place where mum is going to share her baking secretes with other housewives across the world.

What the internet is however. Is the place where you are going to look something up to settle a bet with your friends, it is the place that underage boys are going to get there first glimpse of a naked woman, even if that’s not what they were looking for, and it is the place where you are going to be bombarded with people trying to sell you shit.

And if you don’t agree with me, then take off all the internet filters on your home computer, and leave you kids alone with it for a couple of hours. I dare you.

Cheats

No need to worry I am not talking about cheating on your partner or on exams, or anything like that. The cheats I am talking about are video game cheats. However there might be a cheat in The Sims to stop you from getting busted cheating on your virtual partner.

Becoming invincible, having unlimited money, and being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, all this is possible it’s just not real. Video game elitists in the world say that cheats are wrong and despicable and make the game less fun, I disagree. I think cheats enhance the enjoyment of the game, just not for a very long time, to be able to give the virtual finger to the games rules is well worth the taunting and name callings that come along with being a cheater. But at the end of the day who are these elitists that look down on cheating? They are a bunch of 13 year olds who get bullied at school and use gaming as they only escape they have, and see cheating as just another form of bullying. Shit never thought I would be adding to the bulling problem, not to mention bulling kids that are half my age.

To cheat or not to cheat, that is the question. Actually the only question is. Can I get cheats for this game? Otherwise I can’t be bothered playing it.   

Trying to become famous

Fame is something that eludes most people; even those 15 minutes we are all meant to get are hard to come by. Ask most celebrities and they will most likely tell you that they did not seek fame; they kind of just fell into it. That is all well and good for them, but what about me, am I asking for too much? Hell I would be happy with internet celebrity status.

So what measures have I taken to become famous you might say? Well I made myself a twitter account, and everyone on twitter is famous right? Wrong. So far it just been like talking to myself, so then I started up this blog in the hope of becoming a famous writer. But so far all that has forced me to do is, stuck up to all the other famous bloggers on the net. That’s when it hit me. The road to fame is paved by the ones that have already made it. And the only thing standing in the way of someone becoming famous is how much you are “willing to do” if you get my drift.

So it goes without saying that I have not found fame yet, but who knows what will happen once the desperation sets in. I might even start a youtube channel.

No-Reply

There is a little known phenomenon amongst my friends that we like to call the “Noooo Reply” To be kind to my readers I guess I should really explain what this is and not just jump straight into it. Well here goes.

Have you ever been out somewhere and you start talking to a girl? Things are going swell and you laugh you tease each other and not to mention flirting. So then you build up enough courage to finally ask for her number. Now you would probably think this is where the explanation ends, and this is the Nooo Reply, but that is where you would be wrong. So you two exchange numbers and go off on your merry ways. You start to text each other, and still things are going good, you still joke and tease and flirt, than after a few days you ask to catch up for a drink, and then you never receive a message back, ever. Then my loyal readers you have just become a victim of the infamous Noooo Reply.

I would love to conduct some research into why this is. But every research agency that I have been in contact with simply tells me, that it’s not worth the time or money to conduct the research. I disagree; I think every man in the world would like to know why.

Digital TV

Its midnight Saturday, and half of Melbourne has braved the freezing weather and headed down to Birrarung Marr to cheer on Australia in the 2010 world cup. It was set to be a good night, a huge screen to watch the game on, deep fried junk food to snack on, and the ever possible chance that someone would let off a flair. And we did get all that, along with, digital TV reception.

When digital TV was introduced it was meant to be the new revolution in television. Clearer pictures, 5.1 digital sound and a tone of you channels, is what we got promised, and you know what, they delivered on those things. However there is one thing they did not tell us about digital TV. That it is almost unwatchable when you are having reception troubles. At least back in the old days of analogue TV if you had bad reception all you would get is a bit of snow on the screen, now the picture flicks on and off and does block effect thing.

To sum up digital TV is awesome and I can’t wait until it’s fully integrated in Australia, but until then I am going to listen to the radio.     

A day in the life of Photoshop

Hi, my name is Photoshop, but most people call me PS for short. You should all know who I am but many of you have never used me before. And today I would like walk you through an average day in the life of me, Photoshop. Join me while I take the ugly and make them worthy of billboards.

My day normally starts out in a teenage girl’s bedroom where she uses me to remove blemishes form her face, so that she can use the photo as her facebook and myspace display picture.

After that I am off to work at a small advertising agency, to make the barging basement model they hired attractive enough to be put in a magazine. For you see it’s me who makes them attractive

During my lunch hour I like to hang out with my other buddies such as Flash, Fireworks and Dreamweaver and see how they have been, and what they are working on. But I just know those assholes are talking behind my back because I am famous and no one knows who they are.

My day ends with a massive server crash and everything I have been working on gets lost. So it looks like I will be doing the same thing again tomorrow.   

Alien Construction Workers

Many monuments of the ancient world are said to come from extra terrestrial influences, such as the pyramids in Egypt, Stonehenge in England, and many other sites around the world.

Like one neighbour helping out another put up a shed of gazebo, it is said that this is also what happened with the pyramids. So thousands of years ago some friendly aliens from the next star system came and gave us a hand putting them up. I like this theory, talk about intergalactic unity. But why did they stop? Surly today we could still use the help of such creatures, if the pyramids where so revolutionary for the time imagine what could be done today.

And I think I know why they stopped. We stiffed them on payment. You see beer was not invented back then, and everyone knows when you help out a friend you pay then with beer, and since it was not around, well we had nothing to pay them with, so we did the only thing we could do, run them off earth with torches and pitchforks, like the town’s people ran Frankenstein out.

But if you are sitting and wondering what happened to the aliens, well don’t worry about them, they don’t hold grudges; in fact they have already gotten us back. They build Stonehenge.  

Birthdays

You wait all year for it, and when it does come, it only last for one day. No I am not talking about an AFL grand final, I am talking about birthdays. Having just celebrated my birthday a few days ago, it got me reflecting on just how special the day actually is.

Birthday’s celebrate a number of things, like the moment you came into this world, the fact that you have managed to stay alive for another year, and you ability to look surprised when people give you rubbish and pass it off as a gift.

But the best thing about having a birthday is the fact it’s the only day of the year that you can act like a spoilt brat and get away with it, and the only day that “But it’s my birthday” is an acceptable excuse for anything, I wonder if it would work for murder as well?

So in conclusion, get as much as you can out of the day, make unreasonable demands and then get mad when people tell you what you’re asking for is impossible to do, get drunk and trying picking up your female friends. Because if you tried that kind of stuff at any other time of the year, all you will get is a kick in the crotch.

Cars

The most common mode of transport used by people around the world, and the base piece of equipment for my new favourite sport. Road Rage, It is a sport right?

I love cars, always have, watching top gear, or reading some kind car magazine is more like porn to me.  But one thing no one likes about cars is when they have trouble, then you just want to hide them away somewhere are forget about it. Cars are the only objects in the world that I know of that can go from being your most cherished possession to the cause of your suicide in under 30 seconds.

Besides the human body the car is the next most perfect engineered thing in the world. But besides form that cars serve so many other purposes, like homes for the homeless, and a place to eat when you’re craving late night junk food. And for some it’s the place where your first sexual experience takes place and on that same level where some conceptions take place.

So no matter what you do in your car, it will always be an extension of your kitchen, bedroom, and if you friends are really drunk it sometimes even becomes a toilet.

Toilet wall graffiti

Sitting down in a public rest room has never been more entertaining since the invention of permanent markers, and gives you something to take your mind off the disease you are probably going to catch off the toilet seat.

Most of it is just garbage. “Someone was here 03” Why do people even do that? So that if they are ever at that spot again they can be reminded of the last time they used that toilet? But once you filter out all the garbage you do find some insightful writings on the wall, so to speak. Here are some examples of some gems that I have found over the years.

“I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.” –RMIT toilets, city campus

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” Truck Stop, Epping.

“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.” State Library of Victoria

“Beauty is only a light switch away.” RMIT toilets, city campus

“At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.” RMIT toilets, Bundoora campus

Poetry and comedy is all around us, just sometimes we don’t stop to take it in. What I hope to have shown you is that even in the darkest and most disgusting of places you can sometimes find inspiration and laughter. Or if not you might find the number of someone that can take a look at the mole growing on your ass.

iphone

It seems like no matter where you turn these days someone is sporting an Iphone. And they are not shy about rubbing it in your face either, with its blinding speeds and limitless apps, you almost feel like an outsider by not having one. I guess this is how people with leprosy must have felt in biblical days.

However I can’t help but be a little suspicious of the iphone and the people behind it. For some reason I just feel that as soon as everyone in the world has one, Steve Jobs is going to push a button at apple HQ and something horrible is going to happen. Will Microsoft be whipped out off the face of the earth? Or will every single iphone join together like a transformer and force us to make Steve Jobs the new king of the world? If this is to happen then I would like to welcome our new ruler, and inform you that any negative things I have said about iphones or any other apple products over the years, was simply to mask this master plan.

Since I started this blog I have since learnt of the pleasures of conformity and will be discarding my nokia and getting myself an iphone. Good buy individualism I refuse to be a lepper in this modern day world any longer. 

Interview with a James Tardio

Q. Whens the last time you ran?
A. The other night form the police

Q. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?:
A. Not right now but the night is young

Q. What book are you reading right now?
A. Alice in wonderland

Q. What are you seriously wearing?
A. That depends on who is asking

Q. When is the last time you saw the person you like/liked?
A. I hate everyone

Q. Can you dance?
A. My mum thinks I can

Q. Do you get 8 hours of sleep?
A. If I don't get at least 12 I am grumpy all day

Q. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
A. CBF digging them up.

Q. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you be doing?
A. Same thing's as I do in a non lazy day.

Q. Who last grabbed your butt?
A. Some girl. Best $20 I ever spent

Q. Do you own a pair of Converse?
A. Blue, Red and White.

Q. Who did you copy and paste this survey from?
A. All the answers here are 100% original.

Q. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
A. As part of every balanced diet. LOVE IT

Q. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
A. It kicked me first.

Q. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing a bad one?
A. Do people still listen to the radio…Well I guess its good to see that Ipods have not completely taken over the world yet.

Q. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
A. Yes but then my credit card ran out of money.

Q. Could you live without a computer?
A. Perhaps but my sex life would be over.

Q. Is anyone on your bad side now?
A. look at question 5


Q. What jewelry are you wearing?
A. Standard cross.


Q. Whats the first thing you do when you get online?
A. I guess the correct answer would be something other then porn but that would be dishonest

Q. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
A. Read the book when I was doing medical science, But I think the TV show missed the point.

Q. How do most people spell your name?
A. I don't really think you can misspell James.

Q. Would you wear your boyfriends/girlfriends clothes?
A. One time I was going to surprise her by dressing up in her stuff when she got home… We broke up.

Q. What are you doing tomorrow?
A. Some thing with you hopefully?.

Q. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
A. Unless Justin turns black I don't see it happening.

Q. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
A. I think I will for some reason.

Q. When is the last time you left your house.
A.  Around 3 o'clock.

Q.. Do you return your shopping cart?
A.I make my butler do it.

Q. Do you have a dishwasher?
A. I think so I will check… Yep my mums home.

Q. Would you survive in prison?
A. As long as I did not have to shower with other men.

Q. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?
A. I would say I was going and den pull out at the last min… Naaa I love road trips

Q. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
A. Yes… How strange.

Q. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A. Three. Do thongs count?

Q. Whats the last thing you ate?
A. Chicken and Chips (Nandos)

Q. What service is your cell phone?
A. Lets quit the foreplay my Number is **********

Q. What's your middle name?
A. Ha Ha Ha not telling

Q. Where is your cell phone?
A. not sure that thing is always going missing. I will find it when it rings.

Q. How are you sitting?
A. The normal way nothing to interesting.

Q. Ever been to Georgia?
A. Dated one.

Q. What irritates you most on the internet?
A. The lack of porn. LOL only joking there is tones of it.

Q. Do you watch movies with your parents?
A. I am an adult.

Q. Favorite song?
A. Playschool theme song.

Q. What song best describes your life right now?
A. wow I had to thing about this one. Not sure I will have to phone a friend.

Q. Where do you work?
A. I work the streets. It pays the bills.

Q. Are you taking college classes right now?
A. I am enrolled if that's what you mean.

Q. What do you drink? (non-alcoholic)?
A. Water, Malted butter.

Q. What's a good alcoholic drink?
A. Not a big drinker, but if I had to choose, perhaps a vodka stinger with a whisky back.

Q. Do you like sushi?
A.LOVE IT.

Q. Do you get your hair cut every month?
A. No… Not every answer can be funny. What do you people think I am.

Q. Do you go online every day?
A. Twice a day some times.

Q. Do you enjoy your personality?
A. One of them I like the other is just plain creepy.

Q. Do you know anyone that has changed your life?
A. My Doctor. He is the best before the operation I was really unhappy as a girl.

Ballbreakers

I was invited to go and see my friend’s indoor girl’s soccer team play last night, and was quite excited to do so. Like most people I don’t mind a good game of soccer, the passion of the players on the field striving to kick that elusive goal. I guess the other team just has more passion last night because the score was other team 9 Ballbreakers 0. Things where not looking good.

For a team of misfits the Ballbrakers have done okay for themselves and have somehow managed to reach the top of the ladder. Be that form skill in the game of soccer or sexual favours, who knows. The point is they are at the top. But like all good athletes at the top of their game, the only place they have to do is down. I look forward to the downward spiral of drugs and sex, and can only hope to be a part of it.

I did not stick around for the second half of the match, because watching eight girls run around in tight pants was too much to handle. But I hear that Ballbreakers kept up the fight, and put in an awesome second half.

One thing I have learnt about girl’s indoor soccer is. It’s not about who wins or loses, It’s who looks better doing it.