Pirates

Like most kids I loved pirates, sailing the seas, finding treasure, and the most appealing thing about pirates to most 5 year olds is the fact that you don’t have to take baths. I really wanted to be a pirate when I grew up, well that and a monkey according my parents, and it was a sad day when I worked out that I could be neither of them. But thankfully pirates are back, but not as we know them.

A call comes out form across the room. “Hey man can I borrow your flash drive; I just found a bunch of music on the net.” Cries the captain, “Na sorry dude I am using it to download this sweet movie” Does not have the same ring to it does it?

Today’s pirates do not sail the 7 seas, they surf the web, and instead of plundering and hiding the loot, they download video games and burn them on to DVD.

So my dreams of growing up to become a pirate might actually be more of a reality then I ever thought possible, but I think I will hold off form joining the ranks just yet. After all who wants to be a pirate that still has to bathe? 

The Internet

There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding the internet, and people like to put a positive spin on what is essentially a giant waist land. So in this blog I would like to give you my thoughts and opinions on this thing that runs our day to day life, we like to call, The Internet.

I love it when TV commercials say something like “The internet is good for the entire family, the kids can research projects on it, dad can keep up to date with the news and mum can check her email.” Now let me tell you what is really happening. Little Billy is looking at porn when mum is not watching; Dad is also looking at porn when the wife is not watching. Little Sally is arranging to meet a 43 year old man who she thinks is 16, and mum is playing Farmville and maxing out the credit cards. Now that’s what I call making good use of modern technology.

I have never known anyone to use the internet to research essays or projects; the only thing they research is porn and pirated music. I say that we quit pretending the internet is something that it’s not. It’s not the place that your kids are going to be able to do the majority research for that upcoming grade 6 project, It’s not the place that dad is going to sit down at the end of the day and catch up on current events and check tomorrows weather, and it’s not the place where mum is going to share her baking secretes with other housewives across the world.

What the internet is however. Is the place where you are going to look something up to settle a bet with your friends, it is the place that underage boys are going to get there first glimpse of a naked woman, even if that’s not what they were looking for, and it is the place where you are going to be bombarded with people trying to sell you shit.

And if you don’t agree with me, then take off all the internet filters on your home computer, and leave you kids alone with it for a couple of hours. I dare you.

Cheats

No need to worry I am not talking about cheating on your partner or on exams, or anything like that. The cheats I am talking about are video game cheats. However there might be a cheat in The Sims to stop you from getting busted cheating on your virtual partner.

Becoming invincible, having unlimited money, and being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, all this is possible it’s just not real. Video game elitists in the world say that cheats are wrong and despicable and make the game less fun, I disagree. I think cheats enhance the enjoyment of the game, just not for a very long time, to be able to give the virtual finger to the games rules is well worth the taunting and name callings that come along with being a cheater. But at the end of the day who are these elitists that look down on cheating? They are a bunch of 13 year olds who get bullied at school and use gaming as they only escape they have, and see cheating as just another form of bullying. Shit never thought I would be adding to the bulling problem, not to mention bulling kids that are half my age.

To cheat or not to cheat, that is the question. Actually the only question is. Can I get cheats for this game? Otherwise I can’t be bothered playing it.   

Trying to become famous

Fame is something that eludes most people; even those 15 minutes we are all meant to get are hard to come by. Ask most celebrities and they will most likely tell you that they did not seek fame; they kind of just fell into it. That is all well and good for them, but what about me, am I asking for too much? Hell I would be happy with internet celebrity status.

So what measures have I taken to become famous you might say? Well I made myself a twitter account, and everyone on twitter is famous right? Wrong. So far it just been like talking to myself, so then I started up this blog in the hope of becoming a famous writer. But so far all that has forced me to do is, stuck up to all the other famous bloggers on the net. That’s when it hit me. The road to fame is paved by the ones that have already made it. And the only thing standing in the way of someone becoming famous is how much you are “willing to do” if you get my drift.

So it goes without saying that I have not found fame yet, but who knows what will happen once the desperation sets in. I might even start a youtube channel.

No-Reply

There is a little known phenomenon amongst my friends that we like to call the “Noooo Reply” To be kind to my readers I guess I should really explain what this is and not just jump straight into it. Well here goes.

Have you ever been out somewhere and you start talking to a girl? Things are going swell and you laugh you tease each other and not to mention flirting. So then you build up enough courage to finally ask for her number. Now you would probably think this is where the explanation ends, and this is the Nooo Reply, but that is where you would be wrong. So you two exchange numbers and go off on your merry ways. You start to text each other, and still things are going good, you still joke and tease and flirt, than after a few days you ask to catch up for a drink, and then you never receive a message back, ever. Then my loyal readers you have just become a victim of the infamous Noooo Reply.

I would love to conduct some research into why this is. But every research agency that I have been in contact with simply tells me, that it’s not worth the time or money to conduct the research. I disagree; I think every man in the world would like to know why.

Digital TV

Its midnight Saturday, and half of Melbourne has braved the freezing weather and headed down to Birrarung Marr to cheer on Australia in the 2010 world cup. It was set to be a good night, a huge screen to watch the game on, deep fried junk food to snack on, and the ever possible chance that someone would let off a flair. And we did get all that, along with, digital TV reception.

When digital TV was introduced it was meant to be the new revolution in television. Clearer pictures, 5.1 digital sound and a tone of you channels, is what we got promised, and you know what, they delivered on those things. However there is one thing they did not tell us about digital TV. That it is almost unwatchable when you are having reception troubles. At least back in the old days of analogue TV if you had bad reception all you would get is a bit of snow on the screen, now the picture flicks on and off and does block effect thing.

To sum up digital TV is awesome and I can’t wait until it’s fully integrated in Australia, but until then I am going to listen to the radio.     

A day in the life of Photoshop

Hi, my name is Photoshop, but most people call me PS for short. You should all know who I am but many of you have never used me before. And today I would like walk you through an average day in the life of me, Photoshop. Join me while I take the ugly and make them worthy of billboards.

My day normally starts out in a teenage girl’s bedroom where she uses me to remove blemishes form her face, so that she can use the photo as her facebook and myspace display picture.

After that I am off to work at a small advertising agency, to make the barging basement model they hired attractive enough to be put in a magazine. For you see it’s me who makes them attractive

During my lunch hour I like to hang out with my other buddies such as Flash, Fireworks and Dreamweaver and see how they have been, and what they are working on. But I just know those assholes are talking behind my back because I am famous and no one knows who they are.

My day ends with a massive server crash and everything I have been working on gets lost. So it looks like I will be doing the same thing again tomorrow.   

Alien Construction Workers

Many monuments of the ancient world are said to come from extra terrestrial influences, such as the pyramids in Egypt, Stonehenge in England, and many other sites around the world.

Like one neighbour helping out another put up a shed of gazebo, it is said that this is also what happened with the pyramids. So thousands of years ago some friendly aliens from the next star system came and gave us a hand putting them up. I like this theory, talk about intergalactic unity. But why did they stop? Surly today we could still use the help of such creatures, if the pyramids where so revolutionary for the time imagine what could be done today.

And I think I know why they stopped. We stiffed them on payment. You see beer was not invented back then, and everyone knows when you help out a friend you pay then with beer, and since it was not around, well we had nothing to pay them with, so we did the only thing we could do, run them off earth with torches and pitchforks, like the town’s people ran Frankenstein out.

But if you are sitting and wondering what happened to the aliens, well don’t worry about them, they don’t hold grudges; in fact they have already gotten us back. They build Stonehenge.  

Birthdays

You wait all year for it, and when it does come, it only last for one day. No I am not talking about an AFL grand final, I am talking about birthdays. Having just celebrated my birthday a few days ago, it got me reflecting on just how special the day actually is.

Birthday’s celebrate a number of things, like the moment you came into this world, the fact that you have managed to stay alive for another year, and you ability to look surprised when people give you rubbish and pass it off as a gift.

But the best thing about having a birthday is the fact it’s the only day of the year that you can act like a spoilt brat and get away with it, and the only day that “But it’s my birthday” is an acceptable excuse for anything, I wonder if it would work for murder as well?

So in conclusion, get as much as you can out of the day, make unreasonable demands and then get mad when people tell you what you’re asking for is impossible to do, get drunk and trying picking up your female friends. Because if you tried that kind of stuff at any other time of the year, all you will get is a kick in the crotch.

Cars

The most common mode of transport used by people around the world, and the base piece of equipment for my new favourite sport. Road Rage, It is a sport right?

I love cars, always have, watching top gear, or reading some kind car magazine is more like porn to me.  But one thing no one likes about cars is when they have trouble, then you just want to hide them away somewhere are forget about it. Cars are the only objects in the world that I know of that can go from being your most cherished possession to the cause of your suicide in under 30 seconds.

Besides the human body the car is the next most perfect engineered thing in the world. But besides form that cars serve so many other purposes, like homes for the homeless, and a place to eat when you’re craving late night junk food. And for some it’s the place where your first sexual experience takes place and on that same level where some conceptions take place.

So no matter what you do in your car, it will always be an extension of your kitchen, bedroom, and if you friends are really drunk it sometimes even becomes a toilet.

Toilet wall graffiti

Sitting down in a public rest room has never been more entertaining since the invention of permanent markers, and gives you something to take your mind off the disease you are probably going to catch off the toilet seat.

Most of it is just garbage. “Someone was here 03” Why do people even do that? So that if they are ever at that spot again they can be reminded of the last time they used that toilet? But once you filter out all the garbage you do find some insightful writings on the wall, so to speak. Here are some examples of some gems that I have found over the years.

“I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.” –RMIT toilets, city campus

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” Truck Stop, Epping.

“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.” State Library of Victoria

“Beauty is only a light switch away.” RMIT toilets, city campus

“At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.” RMIT toilets, Bundoora campus

Poetry and comedy is all around us, just sometimes we don’t stop to take it in. What I hope to have shown you is that even in the darkest and most disgusting of places you can sometimes find inspiration and laughter. Or if not you might find the number of someone that can take a look at the mole growing on your ass.

iphone

It seems like no matter where you turn these days someone is sporting an Iphone. And they are not shy about rubbing it in your face either, with its blinding speeds and limitless apps, you almost feel like an outsider by not having one. I guess this is how people with leprosy must have felt in biblical days.

However I can’t help but be a little suspicious of the iphone and the people behind it. For some reason I just feel that as soon as everyone in the world has one, Steve Jobs is going to push a button at apple HQ and something horrible is going to happen. Will Microsoft be whipped out off the face of the earth? Or will every single iphone join together like a transformer and force us to make Steve Jobs the new king of the world? If this is to happen then I would like to welcome our new ruler, and inform you that any negative things I have said about iphones or any other apple products over the years, was simply to mask this master plan.

Since I started this blog I have since learnt of the pleasures of conformity and will be discarding my nokia and getting myself an iphone. Good buy individualism I refuse to be a lepper in this modern day world any longer. 

Interview with a James Tardio

Q. Whens the last time you ran?
A. The other night form the police

Q. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?:
A. Not right now but the night is young

Q. What book are you reading right now?
A. Alice in wonderland

Q. What are you seriously wearing?
A. That depends on who is asking

Q. When is the last time you saw the person you like/liked?
A. I hate everyone

Q. Can you dance?
A. My mum thinks I can

Q. Do you get 8 hours of sleep?
A. If I don't get at least 12 I am grumpy all day

Q. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
A. CBF digging them up.

Q. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you be doing?
A. Same thing's as I do in a non lazy day.

Q. Who last grabbed your butt?
A. Some girl. Best $20 I ever spent

Q. Do you own a pair of Converse?
A. Blue, Red and White.

Q. Who did you copy and paste this survey from?
A. All the answers here are 100% original.

Q. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
A. As part of every balanced diet. LOVE IT

Q. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
A. It kicked me first.

Q. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing a bad one?
A. Do people still listen to the radio…Well I guess its good to see that Ipods have not completely taken over the world yet.

Q. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
A. Yes but then my credit card ran out of money.

Q. Could you live without a computer?
A. Perhaps but my sex life would be over.

Q. Is anyone on your bad side now?
A. look at question 5


Q. What jewelry are you wearing?
A. Standard cross.


Q. Whats the first thing you do when you get online?
A. I guess the correct answer would be something other then porn but that would be dishonest

Q. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
A. Read the book when I was doing medical science, But I think the TV show missed the point.

Q. How do most people spell your name?
A. I don't really think you can misspell James.

Q. Would you wear your boyfriends/girlfriends clothes?
A. One time I was going to surprise her by dressing up in her stuff when she got home… We broke up.

Q. What are you doing tomorrow?
A. Some thing with you hopefully?.

Q. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
A. Unless Justin turns black I don't see it happening.

Q. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
A. I think I will for some reason.

Q. When is the last time you left your house.
A.  Around 3 o'clock.

Q.. Do you return your shopping cart?
A.I make my butler do it.

Q. Do you have a dishwasher?
A. I think so I will check… Yep my mums home.

Q. Would you survive in prison?
A. As long as I did not have to shower with other men.

Q. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?
A. I would say I was going and den pull out at the last min… Naaa I love road trips

Q. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
A. Yes… How strange.

Q. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A. Three. Do thongs count?

Q. Whats the last thing you ate?
A. Chicken and Chips (Nandos)

Q. What service is your cell phone?
A. Lets quit the foreplay my Number is **********

Q. What's your middle name?
A. Ha Ha Ha not telling

Q. Where is your cell phone?
A. not sure that thing is always going missing. I will find it when it rings.

Q. How are you sitting?
A. The normal way nothing to interesting.

Q. Ever been to Georgia?
A. Dated one.

Q. What irritates you most on the internet?
A. The lack of porn. LOL only joking there is tones of it.

Q. Do you watch movies with your parents?
A. I am an adult.

Q. Favorite song?
A. Playschool theme song.

Q. What song best describes your life right now?
A. wow I had to thing about this one. Not sure I will have to phone a friend.

Q. Where do you work?
A. I work the streets. It pays the bills.

Q. Are you taking college classes right now?
A. I am enrolled if that's what you mean.

Q. What do you drink? (non-alcoholic)?
A. Water, Malted butter.

Q. What's a good alcoholic drink?
A. Not a big drinker, but if I had to choose, perhaps a vodka stinger with a whisky back.

Q. Do you like sushi?
A.LOVE IT.

Q. Do you get your hair cut every month?
A. No… Not every answer can be funny. What do you people think I am.

Q. Do you go online every day?
A. Twice a day some times.

Q. Do you enjoy your personality?
A. One of them I like the other is just plain creepy.

Q. Do you know anyone that has changed your life?
A. My Doctor. He is the best before the operation I was really unhappy as a girl.

Ballbreakers

I was invited to go and see my friend’s indoor girl’s soccer team play last night, and was quite excited to do so. Like most people I don’t mind a good game of soccer, the passion of the players on the field striving to kick that elusive goal. I guess the other team just has more passion last night because the score was other team 9 Ballbreakers 0. Things where not looking good.

For a team of misfits the Ballbrakers have done okay for themselves and have somehow managed to reach the top of the ladder. Be that form skill in the game of soccer or sexual favours, who knows. The point is they are at the top. But like all good athletes at the top of their game, the only place they have to do is down. I look forward to the downward spiral of drugs and sex, and can only hope to be a part of it.

I did not stick around for the second half of the match, because watching eight girls run around in tight pants was too much to handle. But I hear that Ballbreakers kept up the fight, and put in an awesome second half.

One thing I have learnt about girl’s indoor soccer is. It’s not about who wins or loses, It’s who looks better doing it.

Weight loss products

I hate that show the biggest loser, if I wanted to see fat people cry 5 nights a week I would go to the gym and show the blobs on the treadmills diabetes statistics.

But there is one thing I love about that time of the year, it’s the ads. I have no doubt that you have seen then, they are the ones about meal replacements. The thing I love most about the ads is the way they word them, for example.”All you have to do is replace two meals a day” am I the only one that sees the problem with that. In case I am I will list the problems.

1.    We only eat 3 times a day (Breakfast, lunch and dinner)

2.    These meal replacement things are basically milkshakes, and I was told when I was little that milkshakes where not a meal.

So you eat breakfast, and for the rest of the day you drink a fucken milkshake. That's not a balanced diet, that’s anorexia. And on that topic, how many anorexics are watching that ad and saying “Yeah, well if it’s okay for them, then why I am in this eating disorder clinic?”

These milkshakes are quite good, I’m on my fourth.