Speed Humps

Since the creation of the wheel we have used it to propel ourselves faster and faster whenever we can. Then we realised it would work better if it was round instead of square and it’s been full steam ahead ever since. Then many years’ later health and safety was invented and, put a stop to all the fun.

I remember the days when you could blast down any back street at 100 km/h the wind in your hair and the feeling inside you that you were making incredible time, even if you had nowhere in particular to be. Then something happened and for some reason kids got bat shit stupid and stopped watching out for cars on the road and, so the speed hump was born.

I came to love these things when I was in my late teens and early 20’s because they became the most abundant form of bike and skate ramps you would ever find. It was not till I got a car that I learnt I in fact hated speed humps and will go to great lengths to avoid them.

Of all the types of speed humps in the world, from the standard curved ones, to the ones that almost feel like you are driving up the side of a hill. My favourites are the ones that are not really there at all. They look like regular speed humps from a far but once you drive over them; well it’s really just like driving over a small stone, if that.

Next time you are driving to your local milk bar that resides in some suburban back street remember this. Slowdown to 40, whipe off 5, and go slow over the speed humps that are located within 20 feet of each other. You know what. Fuck it. Just walk.

Traffic Lights

I have a riddle for you. What is orange, green and red but never at the same time? You can spend a lot of time looking at it in the hope that it changes to a colour you like the best, and can either make you speed up or, come to a standstill. Since the title of this blog is called traffic lights then I guess it make this riddle totally redundant. FML

Since I have been driving around a lot lately, I’ve had many encounters with these 3 toned sticks of death. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel like traffic lights are always out to get me and make me late for something. I have seen these things turn green and then no more than 5 seconds later just as I am rolling up to it, it turns red.

People have some very strange superstations and myths when it comes to traffic lights as well. Like, if you flash your high beam and blast the horn 3 times while rubbing your head in a clockwise rotation the lights will turn green. But telling these people that you don’t think that actually works and, they will always back it up by telling you they learnt this trick from a cab or truck driver.

At the end of the day I guess they keep us safe on the roads and that’s a good thing. If we did not have them life on the roads would be far more complicated than they already are. So remember, if you are at a set of lights and you catch eyes with the person in the next car, you have to race the. Hey I don’t make the rules.

Vampires

Nosferatu, Dakhanavar, Dracula. Just three names that when uttered would strike fear into even the bravest of man’s hearts. With that said the vampires of late have taken quite a wussy turn. Books like Twilight and shows like True Blood have turned vampires into sensitive new age guys.

Not that long ago vampires where feared creatures, the reason you would not leave your house at night. And when you did you would be always looking over your shoulder and almost mess your pants if a bat flew overhead. But it seems the only thing you have to fear these days is if one of them is going to break up with you via text message.

When it comes to a humans roll in a vampire’s life, we are nothing but food to it. A midnight snack if you will. When I was a young kid sitting around the dinner table I was told not to play with my food. Seems like modern day vampires were not taught this simple bit of table manners. I have never fallen in love with the things on my plate nor have I tried to befriend it. If I ever do, you have my permission to commit me to the loony bin.

We must keep this fear of vampires alive. To do this I urge people to follow Stephen Colbert and his “March to keep fear alive” 30/10/2010 in Washington DC, and rid these damn vampire bastards form stealing our girlfriends and go back to just killing time instead.

The Past

With great force we can out run the earth’s gravitational pull. But no matter how hard we try we can never out run our past. It is always lurking around some cornor waiting to show a prospective employer that picture of you trying to seduce a sheep.

Have you ever just been sitting around the house and then all of a sudden you will get a flash back to something really stupid or embarrassing you have done? My beef with that is whys it always something you regret. Just once I would like it to be something good that I have done, or a time that I was the hero that saved the day.

I don’t know about you but, I am forever running into people that I have not seen in a long time. Every time this happens the same thing is said. “Well this is a blast form the past.” This normally gives me enough time to work out who the hell they are, and if I ever liked them or not.

The things that we do in the past are learning tools for things that we face in the future. I really just wish people would stop posting the past on my Facebook wall.

Why it sucks to be a kid today

You might be looking at the title and thinking, ‘this guy is crazy, it would be awesome growing up in this day and age, with all this wonderful new technology and stuff.’ And you would be right. Kids today are blessed with the modern day ease that we did not have growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. But there is one thing they can’t do that we did… Eat food.

Food allergy rates in children are at epidemic proportions. 15,000 Australian children born this year would develop a potentially fatal food allergy before they reached school age. I know this for a fact, I looked it up.

I believe I know why this is as well. It’s due to this germaphobic world we live in. “No Billy you can’ go and play outside there is dirty out there. Stay inside and play Nintendo. But make sure you sterilize the controller first.”

So yes, kids today have the internet and next generation video games. But live in a constant state of fear in case someone opens a packet of peanuts around them. The next time you are on a plane and the cabin crew announce “We have a very special guest flying with us today, so we will not be serving any snacks.” That’s when you reach into your overhead bag and pull out your emergency bag of peanuts to go alone with your beer. Oh and don’t worry about the kid. They carry those pens with them anyway to stop their wind pipes from closing up. 

Art Departments

No matter what educational institute you go to or visit one thing remains constant. Art departments are creepy! I have had the pleasure of visiting many different universities in my travels, and never once have they been bright and cheery. To show you that I am not full of myself I would like to share with you some stories of creepy places I have been to.

It was an afternoon, and I had a long stretch between classes, so I decided to take a wonder around the campus to see what kind of things I could find and take advantage of. That is when I stumbled on to this little building that could only be called antique at best. And upon further investigation turns out I was right. I immediately felt as if I was in some kind of old horror movie and, that at any second something was going to jump out and drag me off somewhere, to do unspeakable things to me. Now let me explain something. Everything and I mean everything was made from wood. The wall dividers, the staircase, everything! And old run down wood as well. Not to mention I was the only one in the building at the time. I don’t even want to think at this point in time why it was empty.

I have seen many more creepy looking art departments as well. Once when I went out to eat with some friends at this student restaurant at a TAFE, again I was the only one in it. My old high school and primary schools art departments where quite creepy as well when I think about it. So all this leads me to two conclusions. One, that I should stop hanging around these kinds of places by myself. And two that creativity must come stem from large amounts of fear.

Answering Machines

Phone technology has improved in leaps and bounds over the years. To the point that we can now take a phone with us anywhere we go in the world, even underwater. But there is one piece of technology that still continues to frustrate and annoy me. Yes that’s right it’s the Answering Machine.

I am sure they still have some usefulness for people that actually still use it, just like a fax machine. Now I am not talking about voice mail that is something else altogether. I am talking about those huge clunky things that people still have attached to their home phone. The poor thing looks like it is on dialysis. The reason mobile phones where invented is so if someone is not home you can still get in contact with them.

While on the topic of voice mail, like answering machines I never know what to say when I come across one. I normally hang up, script what I want to say and then call back. And what I normally just say is, “Hi, it’s me, call me back.”(And a voice mail messages should be on longer than that) Unless I am calling in sick for work, then it’s a whole production, I am sure I was nominated for an Academy award for my last performance.

If I can give you one shred of advice when it comes to leaving me a voice mail message, it would be. I don’t listen to them. So hang up and send me a text message.