Birthdays

You wait all year for it, and when it does come, it only last for one day. No I am not talking about an AFL grand final, I am talking about birthdays. Having just celebrated my birthday a few days ago, it got me reflecting on just how special the day actually is.

Birthday’s celebrate a number of things, like the moment you came into this world, the fact that you have managed to stay alive for another year, and you ability to look surprised when people give you rubbish and pass it off as a gift.

But the best thing about having a birthday is the fact it’s the only day of the year that you can act like a spoilt brat and get away with it, and the only day that “But it’s my birthday” is an acceptable excuse for anything, I wonder if it would work for murder as well?

So in conclusion, get as much as you can out of the day, make unreasonable demands and then get mad when people tell you what you’re asking for is impossible to do, get drunk and trying picking up your female friends. Because if you tried that kind of stuff at any other time of the year, all you will get is a kick in the crotch.

Cars

The most common mode of transport used by people around the world, and the base piece of equipment for my new favourite sport. Road Rage, It is a sport right?

I love cars, always have, watching top gear, or reading some kind car magazine is more like porn to me.  But one thing no one likes about cars is when they have trouble, then you just want to hide them away somewhere are forget about it. Cars are the only objects in the world that I know of that can go from being your most cherished possession to the cause of your suicide in under 30 seconds.

Besides the human body the car is the next most perfect engineered thing in the world. But besides form that cars serve so many other purposes, like homes for the homeless, and a place to eat when you’re craving late night junk food. And for some it’s the place where your first sexual experience takes place and on that same level where some conceptions take place.

So no matter what you do in your car, it will always be an extension of your kitchen, bedroom, and if you friends are really drunk it sometimes even becomes a toilet.

Toilet wall graffiti

Sitting down in a public rest room has never been more entertaining since the invention of permanent markers, and gives you something to take your mind off the disease you are probably going to catch off the toilet seat.

Most of it is just garbage. “Someone was here 03” Why do people even do that? So that if they are ever at that spot again they can be reminded of the last time they used that toilet? But once you filter out all the garbage you do find some insightful writings on the wall, so to speak. Here are some examples of some gems that I have found over the years.

“I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.” –RMIT toilets, city campus

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” Truck Stop, Epping.

“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.” State Library of Victoria

“Beauty is only a light switch away.” RMIT toilets, city campus

“At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.” RMIT toilets, Bundoora campus

Poetry and comedy is all around us, just sometimes we don’t stop to take it in. What I hope to have shown you is that even in the darkest and most disgusting of places you can sometimes find inspiration and laughter. Or if not you might find the number of someone that can take a look at the mole growing on your ass.

iphone

It seems like no matter where you turn these days someone is sporting an Iphone. And they are not shy about rubbing it in your face either, with its blinding speeds and limitless apps, you almost feel like an outsider by not having one. I guess this is how people with leprosy must have felt in biblical days.

However I can’t help but be a little suspicious of the iphone and the people behind it. For some reason I just feel that as soon as everyone in the world has one, Steve Jobs is going to push a button at apple HQ and something horrible is going to happen. Will Microsoft be whipped out off the face of the earth? Or will every single iphone join together like a transformer and force us to make Steve Jobs the new king of the world? If this is to happen then I would like to welcome our new ruler, and inform you that any negative things I have said about iphones or any other apple products over the years, was simply to mask this master plan.

Since I started this blog I have since learnt of the pleasures of conformity and will be discarding my nokia and getting myself an iphone. Good buy individualism I refuse to be a lepper in this modern day world any longer. 

Interview with a James Tardio

Q. Whens the last time you ran?
A. The other night form the police

Q. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?:
A. Not right now but the night is young

Q. What book are you reading right now?
A. Alice in wonderland

Q. What are you seriously wearing?
A. That depends on who is asking

Q. When is the last time you saw the person you like/liked?
A. I hate everyone

Q. Can you dance?
A. My mum thinks I can

Q. Do you get 8 hours of sleep?
A. If I don't get at least 12 I am grumpy all day

Q. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
A. CBF digging them up.

Q. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you be doing?
A. Same thing's as I do in a non lazy day.

Q. Who last grabbed your butt?
A. Some girl. Best $20 I ever spent

Q. Do you own a pair of Converse?
A. Blue, Red and White.

Q. Who did you copy and paste this survey from?
A. All the answers here are 100% original.

Q. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
A. As part of every balanced diet. LOVE IT

Q. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
A. It kicked me first.

Q. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing a bad one?
A. Do people still listen to the radio…Well I guess its good to see that Ipods have not completely taken over the world yet.

Q. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
A. Yes but then my credit card ran out of money.

Q. Could you live without a computer?
A. Perhaps but my sex life would be over.

Q. Is anyone on your bad side now?
A. look at question 5


Q. What jewelry are you wearing?
A. Standard cross.


Q. Whats the first thing you do when you get online?
A. I guess the correct answer would be something other then porn but that would be dishonest

Q. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
A. Read the book when I was doing medical science, But I think the TV show missed the point.

Q. How do most people spell your name?
A. I don't really think you can misspell James.

Q. Would you wear your boyfriends/girlfriends clothes?
A. One time I was going to surprise her by dressing up in her stuff when she got home… We broke up.

Q. What are you doing tomorrow?
A. Some thing with you hopefully?.

Q. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
A. Unless Justin turns black I don't see it happening.

Q. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
A. I think I will for some reason.

Q. When is the last time you left your house.
A.  Around 3 o'clock.

Q.. Do you return your shopping cart?
A.I make my butler do it.

Q. Do you have a dishwasher?
A. I think so I will check… Yep my mums home.

Q. Would you survive in prison?
A. As long as I did not have to shower with other men.

Q. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?
A. I would say I was going and den pull out at the last min… Naaa I love road trips

Q. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
A. Yes… How strange.

Q. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A. Three. Do thongs count?

Q. Whats the last thing you ate?
A. Chicken and Chips (Nandos)

Q. What service is your cell phone?
A. Lets quit the foreplay my Number is **********

Q. What's your middle name?
A. Ha Ha Ha not telling

Q. Where is your cell phone?
A. not sure that thing is always going missing. I will find it when it rings.

Q. How are you sitting?
A. The normal way nothing to interesting.

Q. Ever been to Georgia?
A. Dated one.

Q. What irritates you most on the internet?
A. The lack of porn. LOL only joking there is tones of it.

Q. Do you watch movies with your parents?
A. I am an adult.

Q. Favorite song?
A. Playschool theme song.

Q. What song best describes your life right now?
A. wow I had to thing about this one. Not sure I will have to phone a friend.

Q. Where do you work?
A. I work the streets. It pays the bills.

Q. Are you taking college classes right now?
A. I am enrolled if that's what you mean.

Q. What do you drink? (non-alcoholic)?
A. Water, Malted butter.

Q. What's a good alcoholic drink?
A. Not a big drinker, but if I had to choose, perhaps a vodka stinger with a whisky back.

Q. Do you like sushi?
A.LOVE IT.

Q. Do you get your hair cut every month?
A. No… Not every answer can be funny. What do you people think I am.

Q. Do you go online every day?
A. Twice a day some times.

Q. Do you enjoy your personality?
A. One of them I like the other is just plain creepy.

Q. Do you know anyone that has changed your life?
A. My Doctor. He is the best before the operation I was really unhappy as a girl.

Ballbreakers

I was invited to go and see my friend’s indoor girl’s soccer team play last night, and was quite excited to do so. Like most people I don’t mind a good game of soccer, the passion of the players on the field striving to kick that elusive goal. I guess the other team just has more passion last night because the score was other team 9 Ballbreakers 0. Things where not looking good.

For a team of misfits the Ballbrakers have done okay for themselves and have somehow managed to reach the top of the ladder. Be that form skill in the game of soccer or sexual favours, who knows. The point is they are at the top. But like all good athletes at the top of their game, the only place they have to do is down. I look forward to the downward spiral of drugs and sex, and can only hope to be a part of it.

I did not stick around for the second half of the match, because watching eight girls run around in tight pants was too much to handle. But I hear that Ballbreakers kept up the fight, and put in an awesome second half.

One thing I have learnt about girl’s indoor soccer is. It’s not about who wins or loses, It’s who looks better doing it.

Weight loss products

I hate that show the biggest loser, if I wanted to see fat people cry 5 nights a week I would go to the gym and show the blobs on the treadmills diabetes statistics.

But there is one thing I love about that time of the year, it’s the ads. I have no doubt that you have seen then, they are the ones about meal replacements. The thing I love most about the ads is the way they word them, for example.”All you have to do is replace two meals a day” am I the only one that sees the problem with that. In case I am I will list the problems.

1.    We only eat 3 times a day (Breakfast, lunch and dinner)

2.    These meal replacement things are basically milkshakes, and I was told when I was little that milkshakes where not a meal.

So you eat breakfast, and for the rest of the day you drink a fucken milkshake. That's not a balanced diet, that’s anorexia. And on that topic, how many anorexics are watching that ad and saying “Yeah, well if it’s okay for them, then why I am in this eating disorder clinic?”

These milkshakes are quite good, I’m on my fourth.