Cats

There is a famous saying that goes “Dogs have owners, cats have slaves” I would more than anything else like to debunk this saying but, it could not be truer. I am waiting for the day that my cat learns to use a bell and insists that I wear a butler’s uniform.

Is it just me or does anyone else think that cats are not telling us everything? Like they have some kind of secrete society, were they all get to get together a couple of times a week to discuss such things as making humans do whatever they like, and invent new ways of tormenting dogs.

Unlike cats in cartoon and movie, real life cats do not eat whatever you put down in front of them. In fact cats are quite well known for their fussiness when it comes to food. In all the years that I have had my cat, I can count on one hand all the things she will eat. Also unlike cartoons, cats don’t drink milk, just like mice don’t eat cheese, cartoons are full of shit.

So just keep all this in mid the next time you are trying to get your cat off the couch and you think you are in control. When really the cat is looking at you and saying “I will do as I please, now be away with you pesky human”

If I was a wizard

You may think that I have been watching a lot of Harry Potter movies while reading the title of this blog, to that I say. Who is Harry Potter? No really, is he the creepy guy in my yoga class?

With awesome powers comes, laziness, it’s true, just think about it. If you had magical powers would you ever again have to work, get up to eat or even go the toilet for that matter, magic can take care of all that for you from the comfort of your arm chair. Don’t worry about getting fat however because magic can take care of that as well, put on a few pounds, just say the magic words and POW instant liposuction.

I say I would use my powers for good but, the point is power corrupts. So chances are what started off with good intentions would probably end up with me ruling the world somehow. Mostly however I think I would just be a nuisance. I would send elevators to the wrong levels, turn traffic light red for extended periods of time. I would make fast food healthy and taste even better, and fly around all day in a UFO and make people think they have just been abducted by garden gnomes.

So that is what I would do if I had magical powers. Leave a comment letting me know what you would do?  

Remote Controls

It seems that no matter what you buy these days it come with a remote control. If I counted up all the remotes I have in the house right now, I would say it’s in the double digits. We just had some ceiling fans put up in the house recently and to my surprise its remote controlled, even the lights are now on a remote. All I need now is a bar that revolves out of the wall and a disco ball that come out of the ceiling and that will be that… I will become a creep.

As far back as I can remember most devices have come with them in some form or another. It is my belief however that if the remote was never invented then everyone would be at least one kilogram lighter than they already are. So don’t lay all the blame the McDonalds, KFC for making you fat, it’s the other thing that you are holding in your hand that is responsible as well.

How many times has this happened to you? Sitting down in front of the TV, a show come on that you don’t care for, you go to change the channel only to find that the remote is not working. So you look back at the TV after giving the remote a good shake and think “I guess this show is not so bad after all” and you settle in and watch it anyway.

So seems not only do remotes control our TV’s, DVD players, HiFi Systems, lights, fans computers but, they also control us. Now if only I could find the mute button for some people.

She is just not that... ahh who knows

I sat down to write a version of “she is just not that into you” for males, I thinks it’s only fair since there is a female prospective on it, and who needs more help then guys when it comes to this sort of thing. But before I could even write the first word I realised, I am not the right person to be writing this, I don’t understand signals that girls give out I just figure, if they are talking to me they must be into me.

So instead I have decided to give you a different perspective on things, and it’s no longer really about if she is into you or not but, about things to watch out for, so here goes.

If she says “I don’t want to have sex until after we are married, chances are she could be a pre operation transvestite and wants to make sure you can’t get away before she springs the news on you.

If she demands money before she will even start to talk to you, and even more when it comes times to have sex, then you could have stumbled on to a sex worker on your way home from a big night out.

Last of all, If she says something about getting back to the mother ship with a life form from this planet, chances are you are about to be abducted but, who knows it could be fun. The worst thing she could do is give you an anal probing.

Night time road works

Last night I was driving home, when up ahead I saw some bright lights, so naturally I went towards them, turns out that I was not following a divine light at all but, the lights of some late night road works. Just in time as well that pot hole was becoming more like a swimming pool but, now where will I swim?

Working on road repairs and maintenance at night makes up most sense, fewer cars are on the road, so it does not cause congestion, and in the summer its cooler to work at night. This is all stuff I know for a fact! But that does not stop my mind from thinking that other things are going on.

Every time I see night road works I can’t help but think that it’s some kind cleaning up team to cover up some alien activity. I always slow down and try to get a good look, in the hope that I might see an alien body or something. I am sure I can’t be the only one that thinks this way, can I? It would be the perfect cover.

Next time I see some road works I am going to go all James Bond and take out one of the workers steal there uniform, and try to infiltrate this undercover operation. If indeed it is some kind of cover up and, if the alien is still alive I may steal it and go on an ET adventure of my own. It better make my bike fly.

Fairy Tales

I have been thinking about the stories that we have grown up with as kids lately, now none of these stories have ever really sat that well with me, but never knew why, until now. Having them read to you as a small child you don’t really see the darker side of the story. Go back and read them now that you are all grown up and you will see what I am talking about. But just in case you still don’t see it or, really can’t be bothered reading them, I will run through them for you.

Hansel and Gretel: It’s about child abuse, cannibalism and the murder of an old woman.

Aladdin: He was a thief and a con-man who charmed his way into a rich family.

Snow white and the seven dwarfs: A woman living with seven men and not paying any rent well, not with money anyway.

Jack and the beanstalk: This is the worst one of them all. A boy climbs up a beanstalk, broke into some one’s home, robbed them blind, and then killed them when they came after him for their stuff back.

There are so many more and, I shall address them in another blog sometime. But what I wanted to point out is, what kind of messages does this send to the kids that are reading them or, having them read too. That, it’s okay to steal, murder, eat other children and, sleep with the landlord if you can’t pay your rent. I think I will just read the new paper to my kids at night, it can’t freak them out anymore then fairy tales.

New Year 2011

So its twelve days into the New Year and I think that is ample time past for me to make judgement on it already. So far 2011 has been much the same as 2010 just +1 but, much more is still yet to come and I can’t wait to see what challenges and adventures will come my way.

New Year’s Eve is quite a special night of the year, it symbolises leaving behind the problems and hardships of the previous year and, looking forward to the ones that you will create in the next.

Every year I make a New Year’s resolution but, never stick to it and that always makes me feel really bad all year so, this year I made one that I knew I would stick to. My New Year’s resolution this year is to keep breathing; now I know I can’t mess that one up.

To wrap this up I am going to predict some things that we all can look forward to in 2011. The sun will come up in the mornings and, it will set at night. And if I somehow manage to not live up to my New Year’s resolution, then get your black suit dry-cleaned. 

Boxing Day

For those readers from overseas, Boxing Day is what we in Australia call the day after Christmas. How it got this name, or what it origans are I don’t know, and I am far too lazy right now to do the research. But it used to be known as the day you go to the cricket. You eat far too much on Christmas day then, you go and sweat it out on the stands of the the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground) but now it’s known for something else, shopping.

So I took a trip down to my local shopping mall on Boxing Day to refuel my hatred for mass gatherings of humans, especially when there are savings to be had. Also to have something to write about.

Something happens to people when they see the word “Sale” They go mad. Someone that is generally quite subdue and polite will go absolutely mental. I once saw two little old ladies fighting over who grabbed the last dust buster first, it did not end well.

So to sum up my experience at the Boxing Day sales I was, almost run into by another car, pushed to the ground, groped repeatedly, and I am going to do it all again next year. After all it’s a sale.

Girls

There are still many things in this world that I don’t understand. However most endeavours to work things out wield a positive outcome; there are things that just remain out of reach.

I understand that I will never make a famous discovery, or even work out what bigmac’s are made of, and I am okay with that. I also know that I will never fully understand girls either. Yes understanding the female mind will remain as elusive to me as big foot. You might get a glimpse of it, but you can never be quite sure of what you have just seen.

One thing that I have learnt over the many years is this. No matter how hard you try, and how much you research, girls are just different creatures and that perhaps we are not meant to understand them, and that is why we keep chasing. Slowly extracting small bits of information until one day it all becomes clear.

But until then I have devised a new plan of attack. Robots! Sure you run the risk of it turning on you, it may even try to take over the world with your home computer and ADSL line. But that is a small price to pay for the knowledge that you can always take it to your local computer shop and have it reprogrammed.

Speed Humps

Since the creation of the wheel we have used it to propel ourselves faster and faster whenever we can. Then we realised it would work better if it was round instead of square and it’s been full steam ahead ever since. Then many years’ later health and safety was invented and, put a stop to all the fun.

I remember the days when you could blast down any back street at 100 km/h the wind in your hair and the feeling inside you that you were making incredible time, even if you had nowhere in particular to be. Then something happened and for some reason kids got bat shit stupid and stopped watching out for cars on the road and, so the speed hump was born.

I came to love these things when I was in my late teens and early 20’s because they became the most abundant form of bike and skate ramps you would ever find. It was not till I got a car that I learnt I in fact hated speed humps and will go to great lengths to avoid them.

Of all the types of speed humps in the world, from the standard curved ones, to the ones that almost feel like you are driving up the side of a hill. My favourites are the ones that are not really there at all. They look like regular speed humps from a far but once you drive over them; well it’s really just like driving over a small stone, if that.

Next time you are driving to your local milk bar that resides in some suburban back street remember this. Slowdown to 40, whipe off 5, and go slow over the speed humps that are located within 20 feet of each other. You know what. Fuck it. Just walk.

Traffic Lights

I have a riddle for you. What is orange, green and red but never at the same time? You can spend a lot of time looking at it in the hope that it changes to a colour you like the best, and can either make you speed up or, come to a standstill. Since the title of this blog is called traffic lights then I guess it make this riddle totally redundant. FML

Since I have been driving around a lot lately, I’ve had many encounters with these 3 toned sticks of death. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel like traffic lights are always out to get me and make me late for something. I have seen these things turn green and then no more than 5 seconds later just as I am rolling up to it, it turns red.

People have some very strange superstations and myths when it comes to traffic lights as well. Like, if you flash your high beam and blast the horn 3 times while rubbing your head in a clockwise rotation the lights will turn green. But telling these people that you don’t think that actually works and, they will always back it up by telling you they learnt this trick from a cab or truck driver.

At the end of the day I guess they keep us safe on the roads and that’s a good thing. If we did not have them life on the roads would be far more complicated than they already are. So remember, if you are at a set of lights and you catch eyes with the person in the next car, you have to race the. Hey I don’t make the rules.

Vampires

Nosferatu, Dakhanavar, Dracula. Just three names that when uttered would strike fear into even the bravest of man’s hearts. With that said the vampires of late have taken quite a wussy turn. Books like Twilight and shows like True Blood have turned vampires into sensitive new age guys.

Not that long ago vampires where feared creatures, the reason you would not leave your house at night. And when you did you would be always looking over your shoulder and almost mess your pants if a bat flew overhead. But it seems the only thing you have to fear these days is if one of them is going to break up with you via text message.

When it comes to a humans roll in a vampire’s life, we are nothing but food to it. A midnight snack if you will. When I was a young kid sitting around the dinner table I was told not to play with my food. Seems like modern day vampires were not taught this simple bit of table manners. I have never fallen in love with the things on my plate nor have I tried to befriend it. If I ever do, you have my permission to commit me to the loony bin.

We must keep this fear of vampires alive. To do this I urge people to follow Stephen Colbert and his “March to keep fear alive” 30/10/2010 in Washington DC, and rid these damn vampire bastards form stealing our girlfriends and go back to just killing time instead.

The Past

With great force we can out run the earth’s gravitational pull. But no matter how hard we try we can never out run our past. It is always lurking around some cornor waiting to show a prospective employer that picture of you trying to seduce a sheep.

Have you ever just been sitting around the house and then all of a sudden you will get a flash back to something really stupid or embarrassing you have done? My beef with that is whys it always something you regret. Just once I would like it to be something good that I have done, or a time that I was the hero that saved the day.

I don’t know about you but, I am forever running into people that I have not seen in a long time. Every time this happens the same thing is said. “Well this is a blast form the past.” This normally gives me enough time to work out who the hell they are, and if I ever liked them or not.

The things that we do in the past are learning tools for things that we face in the future. I really just wish people would stop posting the past on my Facebook wall.

Why it sucks to be a kid today

You might be looking at the title and thinking, ‘this guy is crazy, it would be awesome growing up in this day and age, with all this wonderful new technology and stuff.’ And you would be right. Kids today are blessed with the modern day ease that we did not have growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. But there is one thing they can’t do that we did… Eat food.

Food allergy rates in children are at epidemic proportions. 15,000 Australian children born this year would develop a potentially fatal food allergy before they reached school age. I know this for a fact, I looked it up.

I believe I know why this is as well. It’s due to this germaphobic world we live in. “No Billy you can’ go and play outside there is dirty out there. Stay inside and play Nintendo. But make sure you sterilize the controller first.”

So yes, kids today have the internet and next generation video games. But live in a constant state of fear in case someone opens a packet of peanuts around them. The next time you are on a plane and the cabin crew announce “We have a very special guest flying with us today, so we will not be serving any snacks.” That’s when you reach into your overhead bag and pull out your emergency bag of peanuts to go alone with your beer. Oh and don’t worry about the kid. They carry those pens with them anyway to stop their wind pipes from closing up. 

Art Departments

No matter what educational institute you go to or visit one thing remains constant. Art departments are creepy! I have had the pleasure of visiting many different universities in my travels, and never once have they been bright and cheery. To show you that I am not full of myself I would like to share with you some stories of creepy places I have been to.

It was an afternoon, and I had a long stretch between classes, so I decided to take a wonder around the campus to see what kind of things I could find and take advantage of. That is when I stumbled on to this little building that could only be called antique at best. And upon further investigation turns out I was right. I immediately felt as if I was in some kind of old horror movie and, that at any second something was going to jump out and drag me off somewhere, to do unspeakable things to me. Now let me explain something. Everything and I mean everything was made from wood. The wall dividers, the staircase, everything! And old run down wood as well. Not to mention I was the only one in the building at the time. I don’t even want to think at this point in time why it was empty.

I have seen many more creepy looking art departments as well. Once when I went out to eat with some friends at this student restaurant at a TAFE, again I was the only one in it. My old high school and primary schools art departments where quite creepy as well when I think about it. So all this leads me to two conclusions. One, that I should stop hanging around these kinds of places by myself. And two that creativity must come stem from large amounts of fear.

Answering Machines

Phone technology has improved in leaps and bounds over the years. To the point that we can now take a phone with us anywhere we go in the world, even underwater. But there is one piece of technology that still continues to frustrate and annoy me. Yes that’s right it’s the Answering Machine.

I am sure they still have some usefulness for people that actually still use it, just like a fax machine. Now I am not talking about voice mail that is something else altogether. I am talking about those huge clunky things that people still have attached to their home phone. The poor thing looks like it is on dialysis. The reason mobile phones where invented is so if someone is not home you can still get in contact with them.

While on the topic of voice mail, like answering machines I never know what to say when I come across one. I normally hang up, script what I want to say and then call back. And what I normally just say is, “Hi, it’s me, call me back.”(And a voice mail messages should be on longer than that) Unless I am calling in sick for work, then it’s a whole production, I am sure I was nominated for an Academy award for my last performance.

If I can give you one shred of advice when it comes to leaving me a voice mail message, it would be. I don’t listen to them. So hang up and send me a text message. 

Politically Correct

People are way too sensitive these days. It is at the point now that you have to watch every word that comes out of your mouth, for fear of someone saying “That is offensive” or “I take offence to that” The amount of things you are allowed to say is dwindling down to nothing. Soon it will be at a point where all forms of communication, be it verbal or physical are eradicated, because someone took offence to it, and someone else took offence to the alternative.

Political correctness is killing people. Think about it. Back in my school day, if you where fat you got teased about it, till you stopped being lazy and ate right and slimed down. It was motivation. Kids today are fatter than ever before, and that’s because they are no longer fat but, instead “Enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance”. This PC world we live in is allowing them to be fat. Even the humble mail man/woman is a victim of this (Or to be more PC “survivor”) they have now become a “person person” And you are no longer Mr, Ms or Mrs you are now “Pn”. Even criminals get political correct terms now, because they are no longer shoplifters but, “non-traditional shoppers” The time and energy that must go into coming up with these natural terms well, it’s no wonder cancer has still not be cured.  

I don’t like this new politicly correct world we are living in, and it’s getting worse every day. Sure some things are not to be said and, are clearly offensive, but something have just become too much. So next time you are around someone that is being politically correct, do what I do and say “Excuse me, but you’re politically correct terms are offensive to me” and watch them shit themselves.

Sleepovers

No matter how old you get one thing you will always do is, have sleepovers. The only thing that changes as you get older is the meaning of them. I would also like to point out that this is all form a boy’s point of view.

When you are a kid, sleep overs are your night out. You spend the week planning all the activities that you will do, all the games you will play, and all the snacks that you can sneak in. The only thing that was worth some concern was dinner, because we all know how fussy eight year olds are when it comes to eating.

In your teens a sleepover meant that, you were not where you were meant to be. Telling your parents that you are going to sleep at Sally’s house (I use girl’s names, because I figure girls do this more than boys) and then go to a party or try your luck at getting into a night club.

When you are in your 20’s then a sleepover is quite unplanned, not like the other two stages of life, and simply means that you are too drunk to drunk to drive home. Or you have passed out and no one can move you.

Then you have the sleepover that you do at your boyfriends or girlfriends place… But that is for some fun of a whole different kind. 

You are just not funny, move on

Let me start of by saying, that I feel this might turn out to be more of a rant than anything else. So feel free to go back to your game of bejewelled or Farmville, and thanks for getting this far. I still get my page view, and that’s all that really matters.

“Everyone is a comedian” so the saying goes. But I really wish this saying would just somehow disappear. Because it is doing more harm than good. It’s telling people that you can be funny no matter what and, that is just not true, some people are just not funny. Take accountants for example, when you decided to become one you have made the decision that you can never tell another funny joke, ever again. Not to mention give up 5% of your personality.

But you might still be thinking. ‘No he is wrong; I get a laugh at parties when I jump around and put things on my head’ But you see there is a difference between acting like a knob to get a laugh, and actually using you’re intellect.

Copying and pasting a funny quote on Facebook or Twitter and calming it as your own does not make you funny, just like putting on platform shoes does not really make you 6 foot tall. All it does is make you that person with the really bad comb over desperately trying to give you the impression they are not bald.

But until they pass a law that allows us to legally shoot in the foot anyone that thinks they are funny but are clearly not. Then I guess we are going to have to keep pretending to laugh when ever our boss tells us a lame joke. But hey, I hear even a fake laugh can still make us lose weight.

Procrastination

It is quite safe to say that I am a procrastinator. I will put things off until the last minute and then say something like, “I work better under pressure” to justify it. Right now I am even procrastinating writing this blog.

To give you an example of just how much of a procrastinator I am. When I was in high school, year 12 I think it was. We were taken to a sort of study camp for the first week so that we could learn some study and time management skills for the year ahead. They then proceeded to give us a procrastination test, to see how much of a procrastinator we were. I gave mine to my friend what was sitting next to me to do.  

I can never write more than a sentence without jumping on youtube or facebook, or just taking a walk around the house, and looking in the fridge for the 1000th time today. I think I have played just about every single facebook game there is just to avoid doing actual work. That reminds me. If any of my teachers are reading this... I am going to need an extension on that work.