Remote Controls

It seems that no matter what you buy these days it come with a remote control. If I counted up all the remotes I have in the house right now, I would say it’s in the double digits. We just had some ceiling fans put up in the house recently and to my surprise its remote controlled, even the lights are now on a remote. All I need now is a bar that revolves out of the wall and a disco ball that come out of the ceiling and that will be that… I will become a creep.

As far back as I can remember most devices have come with them in some form or another. It is my belief however that if the remote was never invented then everyone would be at least one kilogram lighter than they already are. So don’t lay all the blame the McDonalds, KFC for making you fat, it’s the other thing that you are holding in your hand that is responsible as well.

How many times has this happened to you? Sitting down in front of the TV, a show come on that you don’t care for, you go to change the channel only to find that the remote is not working. So you look back at the TV after giving the remote a good shake and think “I guess this show is not so bad after all” and you settle in and watch it anyway.

So seems not only do remotes control our TV’s, DVD players, HiFi Systems, lights, fans computers but, they also control us. Now if only I could find the mute button for some people.

She is just not that... ahh who knows

I sat down to write a version of “she is just not that into you” for males, I thinks it’s only fair since there is a female prospective on it, and who needs more help then guys when it comes to this sort of thing. But before I could even write the first word I realised, I am not the right person to be writing this, I don’t understand signals that girls give out I just figure, if they are talking to me they must be into me.

So instead I have decided to give you a different perspective on things, and it’s no longer really about if she is into you or not but, about things to watch out for, so here goes.

If she says “I don’t want to have sex until after we are married, chances are she could be a pre operation transvestite and wants to make sure you can’t get away before she springs the news on you.

If she demands money before she will even start to talk to you, and even more when it comes times to have sex, then you could have stumbled on to a sex worker on your way home from a big night out.

Last of all, If she says something about getting back to the mother ship with a life form from this planet, chances are you are about to be abducted but, who knows it could be fun. The worst thing she could do is give you an anal probing.

Night time road works

Last night I was driving home, when up ahead I saw some bright lights, so naturally I went towards them, turns out that I was not following a divine light at all but, the lights of some late night road works. Just in time as well that pot hole was becoming more like a swimming pool but, now where will I swim?

Working on road repairs and maintenance at night makes up most sense, fewer cars are on the road, so it does not cause congestion, and in the summer its cooler to work at night. This is all stuff I know for a fact! But that does not stop my mind from thinking that other things are going on.

Every time I see night road works I can’t help but think that it’s some kind cleaning up team to cover up some alien activity. I always slow down and try to get a good look, in the hope that I might see an alien body or something. I am sure I can’t be the only one that thinks this way, can I? It would be the perfect cover.

Next time I see some road works I am going to go all James Bond and take out one of the workers steal there uniform, and try to infiltrate this undercover operation. If indeed it is some kind of cover up and, if the alien is still alive I may steal it and go on an ET adventure of my own. It better make my bike fly.

Fairy Tales

I have been thinking about the stories that we have grown up with as kids lately, now none of these stories have ever really sat that well with me, but never knew why, until now. Having them read to you as a small child you don’t really see the darker side of the story. Go back and read them now that you are all grown up and you will see what I am talking about. But just in case you still don’t see it or, really can’t be bothered reading them, I will run through them for you.

Hansel and Gretel: It’s about child abuse, cannibalism and the murder of an old woman.

Aladdin: He was a thief and a con-man who charmed his way into a rich family.

Snow white and the seven dwarfs: A woman living with seven men and not paying any rent well, not with money anyway.

Jack and the beanstalk: This is the worst one of them all. A boy climbs up a beanstalk, broke into some one’s home, robbed them blind, and then killed them when they came after him for their stuff back.

There are so many more and, I shall address them in another blog sometime. But what I wanted to point out is, what kind of messages does this send to the kids that are reading them or, having them read too. That, it’s okay to steal, murder, eat other children and, sleep with the landlord if you can’t pay your rent. I think I will just read the new paper to my kids at night, it can’t freak them out anymore then fairy tales.

New Year 2011

So its twelve days into the New Year and I think that is ample time past for me to make judgement on it already. So far 2011 has been much the same as 2010 just +1 but, much more is still yet to come and I can’t wait to see what challenges and adventures will come my way.

New Year’s Eve is quite a special night of the year, it symbolises leaving behind the problems and hardships of the previous year and, looking forward to the ones that you will create in the next.

Every year I make a New Year’s resolution but, never stick to it and that always makes me feel really bad all year so, this year I made one that I knew I would stick to. My New Year’s resolution this year is to keep breathing; now I know I can’t mess that one up.

To wrap this up I am going to predict some things that we all can look forward to in 2011. The sun will come up in the mornings and, it will set at night. And if I somehow manage to not live up to my New Year’s resolution, then get your black suit dry-cleaned. 

Boxing Day

For those readers from overseas, Boxing Day is what we in Australia call the day after Christmas. How it got this name, or what it origans are I don’t know, and I am far too lazy right now to do the research. But it used to be known as the day you go to the cricket. You eat far too much on Christmas day then, you go and sweat it out on the stands of the the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground) but now it’s known for something else, shopping.

So I took a trip down to my local shopping mall on Boxing Day to refuel my hatred for mass gatherings of humans, especially when there are savings to be had. Also to have something to write about.

Something happens to people when they see the word “Sale” They go mad. Someone that is generally quite subdue and polite will go absolutely mental. I once saw two little old ladies fighting over who grabbed the last dust buster first, it did not end well.

So to sum up my experience at the Boxing Day sales I was, almost run into by another car, pushed to the ground, groped repeatedly, and I am going to do it all again next year. After all it’s a sale.

Girls

There are still many things in this world that I don’t understand. However most endeavours to work things out wield a positive outcome; there are things that just remain out of reach.

I understand that I will never make a famous discovery, or even work out what bigmac’s are made of, and I am okay with that. I also know that I will never fully understand girls either. Yes understanding the female mind will remain as elusive to me as big foot. You might get a glimpse of it, but you can never be quite sure of what you have just seen.

One thing that I have learnt over the many years is this. No matter how hard you try, and how much you research, girls are just different creatures and that perhaps we are not meant to understand them, and that is why we keep chasing. Slowly extracting small bits of information until one day it all becomes clear.

But until then I have devised a new plan of attack. Robots! Sure you run the risk of it turning on you, it may even try to take over the world with your home computer and ADSL line. But that is a small price to pay for the knowledge that you can always take it to your local computer shop and have it reprogrammed.