Vampires

Nosferatu, Dakhanavar, Dracula. Just three names that when uttered would strike fear into even the bravest of man’s hearts. With that said the vampires of late have taken quite a wussy turn. Books like Twilight and shows like True Blood have turned vampires into sensitive new age guys.

Not that long ago vampires where feared creatures, the reason you would not leave your house at night. And when you did you would be always looking over your shoulder and almost mess your pants if a bat flew overhead. But it seems the only thing you have to fear these days is if one of them is going to break up with you via text message.

When it comes to a humans roll in a vampire’s life, we are nothing but food to it. A midnight snack if you will. When I was a young kid sitting around the dinner table I was told not to play with my food. Seems like modern day vampires were not taught this simple bit of table manners. I have never fallen in love with the things on my plate nor have I tried to befriend it. If I ever do, you have my permission to commit me to the loony bin.

We must keep this fear of vampires alive. To do this I urge people to follow Stephen Colbert and his “March to keep fear alive” 30/10/2010 in Washington DC, and rid these damn vampire bastards form stealing our girlfriends and go back to just killing time instead.

The Past

With great force we can out run the earth’s gravitational pull. But no matter how hard we try we can never out run our past. It is always lurking around some cornor waiting to show a prospective employer that picture of you trying to seduce a sheep.

Have you ever just been sitting around the house and then all of a sudden you will get a flash back to something really stupid or embarrassing you have done? My beef with that is whys it always something you regret. Just once I would like it to be something good that I have done, or a time that I was the hero that saved the day.

I don’t know about you but, I am forever running into people that I have not seen in a long time. Every time this happens the same thing is said. “Well this is a blast form the past.” This normally gives me enough time to work out who the hell they are, and if I ever liked them or not.

The things that we do in the past are learning tools for things that we face in the future. I really just wish people would stop posting the past on my Facebook wall.

Why it sucks to be a kid today

You might be looking at the title and thinking, ‘this guy is crazy, it would be awesome growing up in this day and age, with all this wonderful new technology and stuff.’ And you would be right. Kids today are blessed with the modern day ease that we did not have growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. But there is one thing they can’t do that we did… Eat food.

Food allergy rates in children are at epidemic proportions. 15,000 Australian children born this year would develop a potentially fatal food allergy before they reached school age. I know this for a fact, I looked it up.

I believe I know why this is as well. It’s due to this germaphobic world we live in. “No Billy you can’ go and play outside there is dirty out there. Stay inside and play Nintendo. But make sure you sterilize the controller first.”

So yes, kids today have the internet and next generation video games. But live in a constant state of fear in case someone opens a packet of peanuts around them. The next time you are on a plane and the cabin crew announce “We have a very special guest flying with us today, so we will not be serving any snacks.” That’s when you reach into your overhead bag and pull out your emergency bag of peanuts to go alone with your beer. Oh and don’t worry about the kid. They carry those pens with them anyway to stop their wind pipes from closing up. 

Art Departments

No matter what educational institute you go to or visit one thing remains constant. Art departments are creepy! I have had the pleasure of visiting many different universities in my travels, and never once have they been bright and cheery. To show you that I am not full of myself I would like to share with you some stories of creepy places I have been to.

It was an afternoon, and I had a long stretch between classes, so I decided to take a wonder around the campus to see what kind of things I could find and take advantage of. That is when I stumbled on to this little building that could only be called antique at best. And upon further investigation turns out I was right. I immediately felt as if I was in some kind of old horror movie and, that at any second something was going to jump out and drag me off somewhere, to do unspeakable things to me. Now let me explain something. Everything and I mean everything was made from wood. The wall dividers, the staircase, everything! And old run down wood as well. Not to mention I was the only one in the building at the time. I don’t even want to think at this point in time why it was empty.

I have seen many more creepy looking art departments as well. Once when I went out to eat with some friends at this student restaurant at a TAFE, again I was the only one in it. My old high school and primary schools art departments where quite creepy as well when I think about it. So all this leads me to two conclusions. One, that I should stop hanging around these kinds of places by myself. And two that creativity must come stem from large amounts of fear.

Answering Machines

Phone technology has improved in leaps and bounds over the years. To the point that we can now take a phone with us anywhere we go in the world, even underwater. But there is one piece of technology that still continues to frustrate and annoy me. Yes that’s right it’s the Answering Machine.

I am sure they still have some usefulness for people that actually still use it, just like a fax machine. Now I am not talking about voice mail that is something else altogether. I am talking about those huge clunky things that people still have attached to their home phone. The poor thing looks like it is on dialysis. The reason mobile phones where invented is so if someone is not home you can still get in contact with them.

While on the topic of voice mail, like answering machines I never know what to say when I come across one. I normally hang up, script what I want to say and then call back. And what I normally just say is, “Hi, it’s me, call me back.”(And a voice mail messages should be on longer than that) Unless I am calling in sick for work, then it’s a whole production, I am sure I was nominated for an Academy award for my last performance.

If I can give you one shred of advice when it comes to leaving me a voice mail message, it would be. I don’t listen to them. So hang up and send me a text message. 

Politically Correct

People are way too sensitive these days. It is at the point now that you have to watch every word that comes out of your mouth, for fear of someone saying “That is offensive” or “I take offence to that” The amount of things you are allowed to say is dwindling down to nothing. Soon it will be at a point where all forms of communication, be it verbal or physical are eradicated, because someone took offence to it, and someone else took offence to the alternative.

Political correctness is killing people. Think about it. Back in my school day, if you where fat you got teased about it, till you stopped being lazy and ate right and slimed down. It was motivation. Kids today are fatter than ever before, and that’s because they are no longer fat but, instead “Enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance”. This PC world we live in is allowing them to be fat. Even the humble mail man/woman is a victim of this (Or to be more PC “survivor”) they have now become a “person person” And you are no longer Mr, Ms or Mrs you are now “Pn”. Even criminals get political correct terms now, because they are no longer shoplifters but, “non-traditional shoppers” The time and energy that must go into coming up with these natural terms well, it’s no wonder cancer has still not be cured.  

I don’t like this new politicly correct world we are living in, and it’s getting worse every day. Sure some things are not to be said and, are clearly offensive, but something have just become too much. So next time you are around someone that is being politically correct, do what I do and say “Excuse me, but you’re politically correct terms are offensive to me” and watch them shit themselves.

Sleepovers

No matter how old you get one thing you will always do is, have sleepovers. The only thing that changes as you get older is the meaning of them. I would also like to point out that this is all form a boy’s point of view.

When you are a kid, sleep overs are your night out. You spend the week planning all the activities that you will do, all the games you will play, and all the snacks that you can sneak in. The only thing that was worth some concern was dinner, because we all know how fussy eight year olds are when it comes to eating.

In your teens a sleepover meant that, you were not where you were meant to be. Telling your parents that you are going to sleep at Sally’s house (I use girl’s names, because I figure girls do this more than boys) and then go to a party or try your luck at getting into a night club.

When you are in your 20’s then a sleepover is quite unplanned, not like the other two stages of life, and simply means that you are too drunk to drunk to drive home. Or you have passed out and no one can move you.

Then you have the sleepover that you do at your boyfriends or girlfriends place… But that is for some fun of a whole different kind. 

You are just not funny, move on

Let me start of by saying, that I feel this might turn out to be more of a rant than anything else. So feel free to go back to your game of bejewelled or Farmville, and thanks for getting this far. I still get my page view, and that’s all that really matters.

“Everyone is a comedian” so the saying goes. But I really wish this saying would just somehow disappear. Because it is doing more harm than good. It’s telling people that you can be funny no matter what and, that is just not true, some people are just not funny. Take accountants for example, when you decided to become one you have made the decision that you can never tell another funny joke, ever again. Not to mention give up 5% of your personality.

But you might still be thinking. ‘No he is wrong; I get a laugh at parties when I jump around and put things on my head’ But you see there is a difference between acting like a knob to get a laugh, and actually using you’re intellect.

Copying and pasting a funny quote on Facebook or Twitter and calming it as your own does not make you funny, just like putting on platform shoes does not really make you 6 foot tall. All it does is make you that person with the really bad comb over desperately trying to give you the impression they are not bald.

But until they pass a law that allows us to legally shoot in the foot anyone that thinks they are funny but are clearly not. Then I guess we are going to have to keep pretending to laugh when ever our boss tells us a lame joke. But hey, I hear even a fake laugh can still make us lose weight.