Cats

There is a famous saying that goes “Dogs have owners, cats have slaves” I would more than anything else like to debunk this saying but, it could not be truer. I am waiting for the day that my cat learns to use a bell and insists that I wear a butler’s uniform.

Is it just me or does anyone else think that cats are not telling us everything? Like they have some kind of secrete society, were they all get to get together a couple of times a week to discuss such things as making humans do whatever they like, and invent new ways of tormenting dogs.

Unlike cats in cartoon and movie, real life cats do not eat whatever you put down in front of them. In fact cats are quite well known for their fussiness when it comes to food. In all the years that I have had my cat, I can count on one hand all the things she will eat. Also unlike cartoons, cats don’t drink milk, just like mice don’t eat cheese, cartoons are full of shit.

So just keep all this in mid the next time you are trying to get your cat off the couch and you think you are in control. When really the cat is looking at you and saying “I will do as I please, now be away with you pesky human”

If I was a wizard

You may think that I have been watching a lot of Harry Potter movies while reading the title of this blog, to that I say. Who is Harry Potter? No really, is he the creepy guy in my yoga class?

With awesome powers comes, laziness, it’s true, just think about it. If you had magical powers would you ever again have to work, get up to eat or even go the toilet for that matter, magic can take care of all that for you from the comfort of your arm chair. Don’t worry about getting fat however because magic can take care of that as well, put on a few pounds, just say the magic words and POW instant liposuction.

I say I would use my powers for good but, the point is power corrupts. So chances are what started off with good intentions would probably end up with me ruling the world somehow. Mostly however I think I would just be a nuisance. I would send elevators to the wrong levels, turn traffic light red for extended periods of time. I would make fast food healthy and taste even better, and fly around all day in a UFO and make people think they have just been abducted by garden gnomes.

So that is what I would do if I had magical powers. Leave a comment letting me know what you would do?  

Remote Controls

It seems that no matter what you buy these days it come with a remote control. If I counted up all the remotes I have in the house right now, I would say it’s in the double digits. We just had some ceiling fans put up in the house recently and to my surprise its remote controlled, even the lights are now on a remote. All I need now is a bar that revolves out of the wall and a disco ball that come out of the ceiling and that will be that… I will become a creep.

As far back as I can remember most devices have come with them in some form or another. It is my belief however that if the remote was never invented then everyone would be at least one kilogram lighter than they already are. So don’t lay all the blame the McDonalds, KFC for making you fat, it’s the other thing that you are holding in your hand that is responsible as well.

How many times has this happened to you? Sitting down in front of the TV, a show come on that you don’t care for, you go to change the channel only to find that the remote is not working. So you look back at the TV after giving the remote a good shake and think “I guess this show is not so bad after all” and you settle in and watch it anyway.

So seems not only do remotes control our TV’s, DVD players, HiFi Systems, lights, fans computers but, they also control us. Now if only I could find the mute button for some people.

She is just not that... ahh who knows

I sat down to write a version of “she is just not that into you” for males, I thinks it’s only fair since there is a female prospective on it, and who needs more help then guys when it comes to this sort of thing. But before I could even write the first word I realised, I am not the right person to be writing this, I don’t understand signals that girls give out I just figure, if they are talking to me they must be into me.

So instead I have decided to give you a different perspective on things, and it’s no longer really about if she is into you or not but, about things to watch out for, so here goes.

If she says “I don’t want to have sex until after we are married, chances are she could be a pre operation transvestite and wants to make sure you can’t get away before she springs the news on you.

If she demands money before she will even start to talk to you, and even more when it comes times to have sex, then you could have stumbled on to a sex worker on your way home from a big night out.

Last of all, If she says something about getting back to the mother ship with a life form from this planet, chances are you are about to be abducted but, who knows it could be fun. The worst thing she could do is give you an anal probing.

Night time road works

Last night I was driving home, when up ahead I saw some bright lights, so naturally I went towards them, turns out that I was not following a divine light at all but, the lights of some late night road works. Just in time as well that pot hole was becoming more like a swimming pool but, now where will I swim?

Working on road repairs and maintenance at night makes up most sense, fewer cars are on the road, so it does not cause congestion, and in the summer its cooler to work at night. This is all stuff I know for a fact! But that does not stop my mind from thinking that other things are going on.

Every time I see night road works I can’t help but think that it’s some kind cleaning up team to cover up some alien activity. I always slow down and try to get a good look, in the hope that I might see an alien body or something. I am sure I can’t be the only one that thinks this way, can I? It would be the perfect cover.

Next time I see some road works I am going to go all James Bond and take out one of the workers steal there uniform, and try to infiltrate this undercover operation. If indeed it is some kind of cover up and, if the alien is still alive I may steal it and go on an ET adventure of my own. It better make my bike fly.

Fairy Tales

I have been thinking about the stories that we have grown up with as kids lately, now none of these stories have ever really sat that well with me, but never knew why, until now. Having them read to you as a small child you don’t really see the darker side of the story. Go back and read them now that you are all grown up and you will see what I am talking about. But just in case you still don’t see it or, really can’t be bothered reading them, I will run through them for you.

Hansel and Gretel: It’s about child abuse, cannibalism and the murder of an old woman.

Aladdin: He was a thief and a con-man who charmed his way into a rich family.

Snow white and the seven dwarfs: A woman living with seven men and not paying any rent well, not with money anyway.

Jack and the beanstalk: This is the worst one of them all. A boy climbs up a beanstalk, broke into some one’s home, robbed them blind, and then killed them when they came after him for their stuff back.

There are so many more and, I shall address them in another blog sometime. But what I wanted to point out is, what kind of messages does this send to the kids that are reading them or, having them read too. That, it’s okay to steal, murder, eat other children and, sleep with the landlord if you can’t pay your rent. I think I will just read the new paper to my kids at night, it can’t freak them out anymore then fairy tales.

New Year 2011

So its twelve days into the New Year and I think that is ample time past for me to make judgement on it already. So far 2011 has been much the same as 2010 just +1 but, much more is still yet to come and I can’t wait to see what challenges and adventures will come my way.

New Year’s Eve is quite a special night of the year, it symbolises leaving behind the problems and hardships of the previous year and, looking forward to the ones that you will create in the next.

Every year I make a New Year’s resolution but, never stick to it and that always makes me feel really bad all year so, this year I made one that I knew I would stick to. My New Year’s resolution this year is to keep breathing; now I know I can’t mess that one up.

To wrap this up I am going to predict some things that we all can look forward to in 2011. The sun will come up in the mornings and, it will set at night. And if I somehow manage to not live up to my New Year’s resolution, then get your black suit dry-cleaned.